I have self-esteem issues. Most would argue that statement isn’t true. Most people know that I’m confident, fearless, speak my mind, and not afraid to stand up for something or someone who I think has done something admirable or brave. However, on the flip side, if someone says something bad about me, or if I feel someone doesn’t like me, I instantly go through a thought process that would defy the happy, bubbly person that I usually am and would make me look like a stranger.
If someone says something bad about me, I instantly become paranoid. I want to know who said it, why they said it, and wonder who else has thought or said it. People usually say things about a person because said person said it first or because someone else said it, so I’m paranoid that if someone says and thinks it, then it’s only a matter of time before someone else does the same. If the thing said is true, I really can’t do anything about it, but if it’s not, I try to dispel it.
If I find or feel someone doesn’t like me, I try everything in my power to make said person like me. I have this innate desire to be liked by everyone so I'll do pretty much anything to make someone like me. It's impossible I know, but I’ll compliment them, I’ll do favors for them, I’ll stand up for them, and even though I’m not very proud of this, I’ll even lie to or for them. I think that this desire comes from moving around so much as a kid and having to make a whole new group of friends, or by instances when I knew I wasn’t like by an entire group of people.
Another reason I get paranoid about these two things is because I’m pretty sure I’m hard to get along with. Most people think I’m drunk or high when they first meet me because I tend to act drunk or high when I’ve never even been tipsy or ever even smoked cigarettes in my life. I tend to act very flirtatious around people and talk way too much, so I’m pretty sure I annoy some/ all people most of the time. Finally, some of the things I say and do are things that no one in their right mind would say or do, mostly because my thought process works differently than those of other people. People with different thought processes are generally hard to get along with.
Is it for these three reasons that I don’t know what to think about myself right now. Let me explain:
The other night, I went out with Trinity and Hilton downtown. It’s something I tend to do one or two times a week, so I don’t really think much of it. It can be fun, it can be boring, it can be great, it can be horrible, but most of the time it turns out to be fun and great so I do it every week. I’m also the kind of person who can have fun downtown without drinking or doing drugs, so I tend to remember everything about a previous night while someone else might not.
Anyways, that night we went out with some of Hilton’s friends and after they all got wasted we had to drive them to a hotel they were staying at downtown. While I drove them there assuring them countless times that I wasn’t drunk but a bad driver, one of Hilton’s friends threw up all over Trinity. Trinity got pissed and since we had gone home so early, Trinity was in no way sobered up. He kept screaming and fighting people, acting, well, drunk.
I don’t mind his drunkenness most of the time since he tend to get drunk a lot, but we usually go home well after bar time is over so he usually has time to work the alcohol out of his system. This time, he hadn’t, and it was the 4th time that I’ve seen him clearly wasted since he came back to Austin from Florida. He kept screaming at people and kept threatening to hurt himself, but of course, Hilton and I took care of him the best we could.
When we finally got back to Trinity’s place, Hilton and I decided to drop him off while I decided to drive myself back home and then Hilton could go home. Trinity said I could stay, but I said no, and then he said he could drive me home but I said no to that too, because he was way too drunk to drive. After dropping him off Hilton and I left but shortly after we left Hilton mentioned he couldn’t find his phone. He called it with my phone, but he couldn’t hear it so I turned around and went back to Trinity’s place to ask him if he had Hilton’s phone and so Hilton could get out and look for it.
However, when I did a U-turn and headed back to Trinity’s place I was shocked to find that he had followed us in his car. Why did he do that? I don’t know, but after I stopped I had to wait for Hilton to find his phone and to get Trinity under control. At one point, Hilton and I almost left but Trinity opened my car door, told me I was stupid, told Hilton not to go with me because I was going to take advantage of him and hurt him, and basically told me he did not care about me or trust me. I was hurt.
I have done a lot for Trinity, and yes, even though I do gossip and tell a lot of people he is a whore (remember when I said that people repeat what other people say? I’ve heard people call him a whore and even heard Trinity refer himself as one on countless occasions), I’ve never done anything to make him question our friendship. I was with him most of the time when he got too wasted here in Austin, and I love Trinity and really would do anything for him. I was hurt, but I was angry and pissed as hell and fed up with him at that moment.
When Trinity threatened to call the cops and Hilton started to act drunk as well, I left, intending to walk all the way home if I had to. Hilton thankfully told me to wait for him but when I got a text message and heard Trinity announce once again that he was going to call the cops I walked over to a Walgreens near his place and decided to wait there for Hilton, just in case the cops did come. I was angry, I was pissed, and at that moment, my anger and rage overshadowed my worriment that if Trinity did call the cops that he was going to go to jail instead of me or Hilton.
Then, I finally did something that betrayed Trinity’s trust in me. It was stupid, done out of anger and rage, and even though Trinity says it was immature, I had a thought process when I did it. Most people don’t reply to any of my comments on Facebook. I doubt most people even read any or most of them, as I don’t read most of the comments people post. I happen to catch one, sometimes, but most of the time it’s stuff I don’t need to know or care about. It was for that very reason that I posted an angry message on Facebook that escalated way out of proportion.
I won’t repeat the message here just in case people know who I’m talking about when I call my friend Trinity, but apparently my post was what Facebook called “Top News”. I don’t know why it was considered “Top News” or what even triggers a post to be called “Top News” anyways, but it was and HUNDREDS of people read it and since I don’t protect my friend’s identities in Facebook posts, people judged him.
Four people asked me what happened and it wasn’t a big deal, but a lot of people were calling him the other day to ask him what happened and he wasn’t happy about what I posted. He asked me what kind of friend I was at one point but he later deleted that post and when I called him later he asked me to delete the post, even though I intended to the next time I got online. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but he sure did and so did a lot of other people.
I thought after I deleted it that that was that, but I was wrong. Today, when I talked to Trinity he was still upset about it. I was trying to make him laugh but he replied in anger. And then he kept going on and on about the post that I considered then and still do consider pretty meaningless. Then he said something that changed all that: He said, “People have been telling me to consider your friendship.” I thought he meant something else at first honestly - a friend having posted that I needed better friends yesterday - but then what he said put me back into a paranoid state of mind.
I instantly went into the defensive and finding out that people had been telling him to consider our friendship because of a stupid Facebook post, I defended my reasons for posting that. The day after I posted that and I told Trinity why I posted that he seemed to understand, but he did a complete 180. He now thinks that I did something stupid and while I admit it was, I think it was completely justified at the time and still do.
He told me he would never post something hateful on Facebook while he was sober and no one else would, though I think that’s a lie. If he had to take care of me while I was drunk, I think he would post something like, “Taking care of DC. He’s more annoying than he usually is when he’s drunk.” I’m wouldn’t defend myself is someone said that: I’m pretty sure I would be a sad, the-world-is-out-to-get-me drunk, which is one of the most annoying. Anyways, he also said he would never talk about me behind my back. I think that was a lie. Most people talk about their friends behind their back unintentionally telling other friends what they said about themselves. Basically I felt like I was defending myself the entire time during our conversation.
Finally, I told Trinity that he obviously did need to consider our friendship and his trust in me. That what he had said while drunk was probably foreshadowing or bringing to light something he had been thinking about a long time. I didn’t intend it but that brought up a thought: “Am I good friend? Am I better off not being trusted?” I don’t know, but the question is now stuck in my mind and eating out at me from the inside.
I don’t know who said that my friendship should be considered though I have some ideas, and I don’t know if Trinity and I will ever be friends again, though I’m pretty sure we won’t be as close as we once were. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong, it’s just what and how I think. So please, if anyone out there is reading this, please tell me, is what I did wrong? I really don’t know what to think anymore, but I do think you might, so please comment and tell me…
SEXDUCTXY!
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