I’ve
been having a hard time lately… It’s not that anything in life is particularly
going bad or wrong (after all, those are just stories one tells themselves),
but I do feel that I’m not where I want to be right now. I feel that people
around me, and those who I am closest to, are “more complete” or are “more together”
than I am. It’s a dilemma that I seem to constantly find myself in and one that
affords me many sleepless nights – more than any other person with my sleeping
disorder.
I
find myself longing to be even bolder than I am right now. Don’t get me wrong –
I’m a pretty bold individual already, but there are some parts of my life which
I don’t care to tread to. As I lay in bed today, filtering though thoughts that
would normally drift me off into slumber, I found myself thinking of someone
who I don’t usually occupy my thoughts with. Ash started out as someone who I
deemed as a good friend. He was interesting, artistic, and after some interesting
texts from him after we exchanged numbers, someone who I thought was interested
in me.
When
it comes to matters of the heart, or relationships really, I’m usually not that
one that is pursued. I’m usually the one doing the chasing, going after someone
who I want and I have never really been the object of someone’s affection. Because
of this I found myself liking the fact that someone else was doing the flirting
this time around. I could just sit back and enjoy it, and since Ash was trying
particularly hard I decided to go out on a date with him.
We
went out to the gay clubs here in the ATX, Rain and OCH, and we had a good
time. We danced, we sang, and I think we even made out and I really thought
that we might have a second date in the near future. It wasn’t until a few days
after our first date that he sent me a text saying that he was ending it because
he was “using me”. I wasn’t really distraught over it because I didn’t think
anything had really started actually and I knew I could do a lot better (OK, I
was a little bitter).
After
these events transpired time went on as normal. Ash never really texted me
after he decided to end things, and even though some of my friends told me he
had dumped me I didn’t even see if that way. We went on one date so there was
no relationship there.
However,
the thing that baffled me the most is what happened when I saw Ash after he
stopped talking to me. Before, Ash’s attitude towards me was friendly and he
seemed to enjoy talking to me. Even if we weren’t flirting anymore I still
considered him a friend and I was glad to see him. Ash on the other hand didn’t
seem that glad to see me. In fact, Ash’s attitude towards me did a complete
180. I felt that he detested the fact that I was around and I felt that he
actually disliked me and was only tolerating my presence. In a nut shell, he
was treating me like a bitch.
Since
then that’s all I ever felt from Ash, and the worst part is that I can’t avoid
seeing him sometimes because he’s a friend of one of my best friends (who I am absolutely
infatuated with, but that’s a blog post for another day). I know it shouldn’t
bother me but it really does. I’ve come to terms and admitted in the past that I
have a desire to be liked by every individual on Earth and it bothered me that
someone who used to like me all of sudden didn’t. I didn’t understand it and it
pissed me off to no end that other than disliking me he also outright
disrespected me.
And
this, my readers, is where I wish to be bolder. I want to call him out on his
shit. I want to know why he’s acting like a bitch towards me and what happened
that made him decide I wasn’t worth his time. I’ve dealt with people who haven’t
liked me before, but I feel much better equipped to deal with it if I know the
reason they don’t like me, and since I have to deal with the asshole every once
in a while, I’d like to know what annoys him about me so much so I can tell him
to get over it and back the fuck off.
Of
course, even though I am bolder than your average individual, I’m not mean. I
don’t think I would actually call Ash out on his shit but this post should
enlighten those that have done what he’s done before. And even though I’m not
mean, I also don’t have any shame on spelling it out to any of you who don’t
have a fucking clue what I’m talking about.
IF
YOU DO NOT LIKE SOMEONE DON’T BE A BITCH AND PRETEND THEY KNOW WHY YOU DON’T
LIKE THEM IF THEY IN FACT, DO NOT KNOW. TELL THEM THE REASON.
Believe
me, as someone who’s faced this before not only in this case but many others,
it’s a lot simpler to resolve the issue if we know the reason why you don’t
like us. However, if you’re hate for us has grown so strong that you don’t want
to tell us because you enjoy keeping us in the dark, you’re not only a bitch,
but a douchebag as well. And that applies to both men and women. If you’re
telling yourself that women can’t be called douchebags because it’s not a words
they are usually associated with, you can switch it out for a word that would
get me banned from this site (Clue: it’s a four letter word that begins with a c
and ends with a t).
Anyway,
I think I’ve gotten this late night/ early morning musing off my head and I
feel a lot better equipped now to get some sleep. I’ll try to be more attentive
of this blog since I’ve heard people have been reading it (It surprised me… I
didn’t think anyone was interested to know what was on my mind).
To
end this post I’ll leave you all with an inspirational song that I’ve danced
to, sang along to, and simply loved ever since I first heard it. Gold, by Britt
Nicole.
