Late Night Musing #1

I’ve been having a hard time lately… It’s not that anything in life is particularly going bad or wrong (after all, those are just stories one tells themselves), but I do feel that I’m not where I want to be right now. I feel that people around me, and those who I am closest to, are “more complete” or are “more together” than I am. It’s a dilemma that I seem to constantly find myself in and one that affords me many sleepless nights – more than any other person with my sleeping disorder.

I find myself longing to be even bolder than I am right now. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a pretty bold individual already, but there are some parts of my life which I don’t care to tread to. As I lay in bed today, filtering though thoughts that would normally drift me off into slumber, I found myself thinking of someone who I don’t usually occupy my thoughts with. Ash started out as someone who I deemed as a good friend. He was interesting, artistic, and after some interesting texts from him after we exchanged numbers, someone who I thought was interested in me.

When it comes to matters of the heart, or relationships really, I’m usually not that one that is pursued. I’m usually the one doing the chasing, going after someone who I want and I have never really been the object of someone’s affection. Because of this I found myself liking the fact that someone else was doing the flirting this time around. I could just sit back and enjoy it, and since Ash was trying particularly hard I decided to go out on a date with him.

We went out to the gay clubs here in the ATX, Rain and OCH, and we had a good time. We danced, we sang, and I think we even made out and I really thought that we might have a second date in the near future. It wasn’t until a few days after our first date that he sent me a text saying that he was ending it because he was “using me”. I wasn’t really distraught over it because I didn’t think anything had really started actually and I knew I could do a lot better (OK, I was a little bitter).

After these events transpired time went on as normal. Ash never really texted me after he decided to end things, and even though some of my friends told me he had dumped me I didn’t even see if that way. We went on one date so there was no relationship there.

However, the thing that baffled me the most is what happened when I saw Ash after he stopped talking to me. Before, Ash’s attitude towards me was friendly and he seemed to enjoy talking to me. Even if we weren’t flirting anymore I still considered him a friend and I was glad to see him. Ash on the other hand didn’t seem that glad to see me. In fact, Ash’s attitude towards me did a complete 180. I felt that he detested the fact that I was around and I felt that he actually disliked me and was only tolerating my presence. In a nut shell, he was treating me like a bitch.

Since then that’s all I ever felt from Ash, and the worst part is that I can’t avoid seeing him sometimes because he’s a friend of one of my best friends (who I am absolutely infatuated with, but that’s a blog post for another day). I know it shouldn’t bother me but it really does. I’ve come to terms and admitted in the past that I have a desire to be liked by every individual on Earth and it bothered me that someone who used to like me all of sudden didn’t. I didn’t understand it and it pissed me off to no end that other than disliking me he also outright disrespected me.

And this, my readers, is where I wish to be bolder. I want to call him out on his shit. I want to know why he’s acting like a bitch towards me and what happened that made him decide I wasn’t worth his time. I’ve dealt with people who haven’t liked me before, but I feel much better equipped to deal with it if I know the reason they don’t like me, and since I have to deal with the asshole every once in a while, I’d like to know what annoys him about me so much so I can tell him to get over it and back the fuck off.

Of course, even though I am bolder than your average individual, I’m not mean. I don’t think I would actually call Ash out on his shit but this post should enlighten those that have done what he’s done before. And even though I’m not mean, I also don’t have any shame on spelling it out to any of you who don’t have a fucking clue what I’m talking about.

IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SOMEONE DON’T BE A BITCH AND PRETEND THEY KNOW WHY YOU DON’T LIKE THEM IF THEY IN FACT, DO NOT KNOW. TELL THEM THE REASON.

Believe me, as someone who’s faced this before not only in this case but many others, it’s a lot simpler to resolve the issue if we know the reason why you don’t like us. However, if you’re hate for us has grown so strong that you don’t want to tell us because you enjoy keeping us in the dark, you’re not only a bitch, but a douchebag as well. And that applies to both men and women. If you’re telling yourself that women can’t be called douchebags because it’s not a words they are usually associated with, you can switch it out for a word that would get me banned from this site (Clue: it’s a four letter word that begins with a c and ends with a t).

Anyway, I think I’ve gotten this late night/ early morning musing off my head and I feel a lot better equipped now to get some sleep. I’ll try to be more attentive of this blog since I’ve heard people have been reading it (It surprised me… I didn’t think anyone was interested to know what was on my mind).

To end this post I’ll leave you all with an inspirational song that I’ve danced to, sang along to, and simply loved ever since I first heard it. Gold, by Britt Nicole.