Having a car is a big part of living in the big city. Unless the city you live in is big enough to have a subway system, you pretty much need a car to get anywhere you want to get to quickly. Don't get me wrong, I know plenty of people who have bikes and I do think Austin's bus system is pretty reliable, but ever since I lost my car getting from point A to point B has been a struggle for me.
I lost my car, Coco the Corolla, nearly three years ago. It was a cold and rainy November day and Pisha and I were driving down one of Austin's busiest streets. We were slowing down to a stop at a red light when Coco decided it was a good time for it to hydroplane. This made my car crash to a car in front of us, and even though the car in front of us was fine, Coco wasn't. My hood bent in two and pieces that should have been inside my car flew out of my car making my car useless. After about a week, I took a mechanic to the car lot where my car was being held hostage and he told me that the car would cost more to fix than it was worth so that meant I no longer had a car.
Having no car for this long truly sucks. Not only do I have to depend on other people to get around Austin, but I have to make sure I have a ride from one place to another AND back before I even think of going out. Because of the car issue I've had to cancel plans to go downtown, to go to parties, and even worse, plans to do something meaningful like volunteer work simply because I didn't have a way to get there or back home. Some people I've met have truly been generous by giving me a ride, but I always feel like a nuisance when I ask for a ride.
I could take the bus, but a lot of times a bus route won't take me close to where I need to go. Also, if I'm out volunteering, some of the events I do happen at night and end after the bus stops running for the day. I once went downtown and was left down there by one of my friends after he saw his ex and freaked out so much he forgot about me. Having no other way to get home I decided to walk over 30 blocks to get to a bus stop, and then had to wait in 40 - 50 degree weather for a bus to pick me up shortly before 6 AM to only get a walkable distance from home.
If you live up north 40 - 50 degrees isn't that cold, but to someone who lives in Austin, TX where it's over 90 degrees 6 months out of the year, 40 - 50 degrees is cold. Also, it didn't help that I got followed by what most likely was an insane person who - by what he said - could and has probably read my blog. The walk home wasn't good either since when you walk from where I did you have walk downhill and uphill so much that it wears you out. Basically, what I'm saying is that night sucked, and all because I didn't have a car.
The blunt of not having a car not only hurts me but also my family. My dad ends up being my ride to a lot of places and because he feels responsible to me he can't do a lot of things he probably wants to do and has to put me into consideration before doing anything. Because of my terrible driving skills (might I add I've actually never been driving my car when I actually lost them) there is a 0% chance he'll let me borrow his car if he ever does decide to go do something where his car won't be needed.
This has led to some of my other family members (older siblings) saying that I'm using my parents. Bitches, you guys have cars and I don't. If I need to get to school because the closest bus stop to my campus is an hour away on foot, and I don't know the people in my class well enough yet to ask them for rides, I don't have a choice but to ask my mom and dad. It's not using them if it's necessary. It's either that or miss school entirely.
There are not only these factors but others as well. For example, if I'm going to be going to a week-long event like aGLIFF I need to set up a carpool system to see if I can get a ride to and back home from aGLIFF. If I can't get a ride there I could use the bus to get down there, but if I don't have a ride home I have to go home at the end of my shift rather than getting to stay to see a movie because the movie finishes after the buses stop running.
If I'm going to a day-long event I have to make sure I can get to the first point before I do the other points. I also have to ask someone if I can get a ride home if I'm unfamiliar with the place I'm going to. This, of course, makes me feel like an annoyance and makes me think that I shouldn't have bothered to volunteer in the first place, even if my work was excellent and the small detour they made wasn't a big deal at all.
All these factors, and more make having no car majorly suck. I can only hope that the patron gods of transportation bless me with a car soon, because I guarantee, you never really know how much you appreciate a car until you actually lose it...
SEXDUCTXY!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Breaking News: The gaydar actually exists!
OK, so probably it’s not really breaking news, but even I have to sometimes think, “Gaydar, are you really real?” Of course, it’s real, but other people have always told me that the gaydar is just a myth and that a gay man’s luck with finding other gay men is just a coincidence. But why would a man lie about having a water-downed version of grindr imbedded into their brains? When you think about it, it’s actually pretty ingenious. We can tell who is gay or straight after sitting down and talking to them for a bit, or just by looking at them. It’s without a doubt, an awesome tool to have.
However, even after countless demonstrations people continue to doubt my gaydar’s accuracy. Have I ever been fooled by a straight man and have been led to believe that said man is gay? Yes, I have… But in my defense, it’s not my fault straight men wised up and learned that straight women go to gay clubs. It’s also not my fault that straight men actually realized that they have a better time at the gay clubs than they do the straight ones. Most straight people seem to learn this after venturing there. Gay clubs are the shit.
Last May the NY Daily News released an article proving that gaydars may actually exist. In the article scientists discovered that “gays are much more detailed oriented.” Well, no offense to the NY Daily News but I could have told them that. Just look at the stereotypical gay man: Good with fashion, good with boys, good with girls, good in bed, and good at so much more. Only someone who pays attention to detail could learn of past fails and turn them into win.
Yes, usually gay people have the gay accent but I have met several straight men who have gay accents and I’ve met many gay men who have very “straight” sounding voices. The reason I thought our Apple twink was gay was because I picked up on some of the things he did when he spoke to us. I deduced how easy it was to get along with him, I deduced the small things he did when he spoke, and I deduced his confidence level which for a cute twink like him, was very, very high.
SEXDUCTXY!
Monday, August 23, 2010
First Day
Today was the first day of school for me. After a rather uneventful summer it's strange to be back in school. I mean, it great to see the faces of people that I haven't seen since last May, but they all ask me what I did during the Summer. Unfortunately, my summer turned out to be quite uneventful. I didn't really go anywhere and I really didn't do much. I did go to Gay Pride, and I did volunteer work at Bloom, which I'm sure is going to make aGLIFF 23 a big success, but I didn't go to Ocean City with the rest of my family and I could have done more, but just didn't feel inspired.
As I didn't do much during the Summer, I'm being held in suspense of the workload that will hit me, but as I've always operated better when I'm busy, I think I'll actually welcome it rather than dread it. Also, I'm actually excited to take Human Sexuality, which is my only class until late September. My professor, Dr. Steve Rison, is the adviser for Equality Now, a GLBTQA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, and Allies) club I'm part of so I already met him a few times.
In Human Sexuality Dr. Rison told us that he wanted us to start a journal which we should write in a few days a week. It was actually kind of funny, because I have been meaning to blog more lately, so it was like the Universe was telling me that it was not only OK, but somewhat required. Another thing that Dr. Rison told us is that we should start a large project, which we have to present to the class at the end of the semester. I'm not really sure what my project will be at the moment, but I do know that I want to take it with some new friends in class. These two new friends, which shall remain nameless for now, are also part of the GLBT community, so I think more than likely my project will fall under that spectrum.
Another thing which I'm planning on doing much of this semester is getting involved in Student Life. During the last semester of the school year I spent a lot of time in the Student Life office since I became in officer in Equality Now. Spending time there, I realized that a lot of what Student Life did is a lot of what I want to do, so I've decided to help them out by being a volunteer. I want to completely immerse myself in the system, and possibly help out Equality Now have more a voice in ACC in the process. I also want to meet more of the students in my school, and being part of Student Life will ensure I do that.
Well, anyways, that's what I wanted to blog about this evening. I'll post another WIT (What I Think) blog pretty soon and keep you all updated on what's happening this semester in school!
Until next time,
SEXDUCTXY!
As I didn't do much during the Summer, I'm being held in suspense of the workload that will hit me, but as I've always operated better when I'm busy, I think I'll actually welcome it rather than dread it. Also, I'm actually excited to take Human Sexuality, which is my only class until late September. My professor, Dr. Steve Rison, is the adviser for Equality Now, a GLBTQA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, and Allies) club I'm part of so I already met him a few times.
In Human Sexuality Dr. Rison told us that he wanted us to start a journal which we should write in a few days a week. It was actually kind of funny, because I have been meaning to blog more lately, so it was like the Universe was telling me that it was not only OK, but somewhat required. Another thing that Dr. Rison told us is that we should start a large project, which we have to present to the class at the end of the semester. I'm not really sure what my project will be at the moment, but I do know that I want to take it with some new friends in class. These two new friends, which shall remain nameless for now, are also part of the GLBT community, so I think more than likely my project will fall under that spectrum.
Another thing which I'm planning on doing much of this semester is getting involved in Student Life. During the last semester of the school year I spent a lot of time in the Student Life office since I became in officer in Equality Now. Spending time there, I realized that a lot of what Student Life did is a lot of what I want to do, so I've decided to help them out by being a volunteer. I want to completely immerse myself in the system, and possibly help out Equality Now have more a voice in ACC in the process. I also want to meet more of the students in my school, and being part of Student Life will ensure I do that.
Well, anyways, that's what I wanted to blog about this evening. I'll post another WIT (What I Think) blog pretty soon and keep you all updated on what's happening this semester in school!
Until next time,
SEXDUCTXY!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Martial Heat: Morgan Benoit
Unless you live in
Morgan has been involved in the Chinese martial arts for several years. Finding that he had a passion for the sport, at the age of 18 Morgan moved to
Never letting his love for training lag behind his early career development, while auditioning for and performing in various Chinese historical dramas, TV commercials, game shows and more, he
began training in gymnastics under private instruction at Shi Cha Hai. This led to his interest in doing film stunt work as he grew fond of the tumbling and feats of strength that martial arts stunts demanded.
His ability and enthusiasm was well-noted by Jackie Chan whom he worked with in "The Forbidden Kindom" (2008), and also by David Carradine whom he worked with in "Last Hour" (2008).
Morgan was in high-demand as a martial arts actor in
To continue to learn more about Morgan, you can add him as a friend on Facebook here.
SEXDUCTXY!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
What I Think: Alcoholism
According to my brother and most recovering alcoholics, most of the world is inflicted with the disease of alcoholism. My brother, who is a recovering alcoholic, once told me that anyone who gets drunk more that three times a year, is an alcoholic. I trust his judgment, because even though I was the one who took care of my brother when he came home drunk almost every night for 7 years, I am not an alcoholic. I've never experienced it, though I have witnessed it quite a bit.
A lot of people would say that my brother's statement is wrong. They would say that he is exaggerating because in order to have fun somewhere like downtown you have to drink. Everyone knows that when you drink your inhibitions dissapear, so doing something like singing karaoke, dancing on bar tops, talking to that amazingly hot stranger and then giving said stranger a lap dance, becomes a lot easier.
But tell me: Does someone really have to get drunk to have fun?
I have plenty of fun downtown without drinking. I sing karaoke, I dance on bar tops, I talk to people who I think are hot and if I'm lucky, I do give them lap dances, and I do all of these things completely sober. I love going downtown and I discovered at a young age that I knew how to have fun and appear drunk without actually ever being drunk. It doesn't mean I don't drink. I will have a shot or a drink once in a while but it's never gotten to the point where I've ever been tipsy. I am living proof that you don't have to drink to have fun, and saying you do is BS.
However, the reason I am writing this WIT post is not to explain why I don't drink, it is to explain why I get so upset when my friends get drunk. Tonight, Hilton and Trinity got drunk while we were out downtown and I got pissed off and a little upset at them. I got over it soon after they left, but they must have sensed I was getting angry, because soon after they left Hilton sent me a text asking me if I was OK. In return I asked him if he was OK and told him that I just got a little pissed off at him and Trinity. Apparently, that was a mistake.
Something that should have not been a big deal snowballed out of control. Hilton got really defensive, and after he told Trinity what I said, Trinity got really aggressive. They both asked me why I got pissed off and I told them the reason I got pissed off is because when someone is drunk, reasoning usually goes out the window and it's virtually impossible to stop them from doing something stupid. Basically, in my eyes, someone becomes really immature. Trinity told me that I was being immature by thinking this. He told me what they were doing was just having fun.
Now, I understand that when someone is drunk their ability to think straight is incredibly diminished. Basically, since you have no inhibitions, you don't really need the ability to understand reasoning, so your brain basically locks it up until you can handle it again. With no reason, there is nothing stopping you from doing what you want to do. It doesn't matter if it's good, bad, safe, dangerous, smart or stupid, if you want to do it, you will. The only thing that could stop you is if someone or something subdues you.
In retrospect, I know how saying that I got angry because I couldn't reason with Hilton and Trinity might sound confusing. But you have to kind of look at things through my eyes. I admit that what I said makes absolutely no sense, but you have to consider that even though I've never been drunk, I've had to deal with someone close to me getting drunk a lot more than someone should. My brother began to get drunk when I was only 11 and he was 17. The first time I saw my brother drunk I took care of him, because at that time I didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't want him to get in trouble and at the time I didn't think it would escalate to him getting drunk everytime the opportunity presented itself. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
My brother continued to get drunk almost every night and I continued to take care of him. Soon, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and eventually I was 18 years old and I was still taking care of my drunk brother. Needless to say, I made the decision at a very young age to not ever get drunk and everyone could see what my brother had become. My brother was an alcoholic, and it took my brother 7 years to finally realize this and to begin the path to recovery. As you can imagine, all of this took a toll on me.
I never enjoyed taking care of my brother when he got drunk. I don't think anyone ever enjoys it, but if you don't take care of them, who will? People get frustrated with others when they become drunk and I've come very close to abandoning someone though I never did in the very end. Also, if I'm taking care of someone I don't like to hear the excuse, "I was just having fun." You might be having fun, but do you think it's any fun for the person taking care of you? Do you think it's any fun for the person that has to deal with your crap?
My brother was having fun too when he got drunk every night but in the end alcoholism didn't only ruin his life, it ruined my entire family's. Vacations had to be cut short to bail my brother out of jail, my brother's license got suspended 4 times and he almost lost the ability to drive legally permanently, reeling from the emotional pain of seeing a family member destroyed became commonplace, and most of the time you feel the same amount of blame and shame as the addict, because in part, you enabled the addict to keep on feeding his addiction.
My brother is in the path of recovery, but he'll always be an alcoholic. I'll never forget all the times I had to take care of him, and everytime I see someone close to me get drunk, I'll always be reminded of the emotional pain that was being medicated to me almost every day of the week. That's why I get angry, but I do get over it, depending on how out of the control the situation was.
All in all I still enjoy going out with my friends and I hope they still do invite me when they decide to go, even after they read this. I just want them to know that I don't only go to have fun, but I also go to look out for them. If they do get drunk and I do get a little frustrated or angry at them, I also want them to understand why. It might sound like it's something I have to get over, but I don't think I ever will. It something that will always be embedded in my brain.
So my friends can go, they can invite me, they can drink and get drunk. But they should know, that once they get drunk I am the one who's responsible for them. Because even though they are not my brother, they are still someone close to me, and I would never ever want to see them get hurt.
SEXDUCTXY!
A lot of people would say that my brother's statement is wrong. They would say that he is exaggerating because in order to have fun somewhere like downtown you have to drink. Everyone knows that when you drink your inhibitions dissapear, so doing something like singing karaoke, dancing on bar tops, talking to that amazingly hot stranger and then giving said stranger a lap dance, becomes a lot easier.
But tell me: Does someone really have to get drunk to have fun?
I have plenty of fun downtown without drinking. I sing karaoke, I dance on bar tops, I talk to people who I think are hot and if I'm lucky, I do give them lap dances, and I do all of these things completely sober. I love going downtown and I discovered at a young age that I knew how to have fun and appear drunk without actually ever being drunk. It doesn't mean I don't drink. I will have a shot or a drink once in a while but it's never gotten to the point where I've ever been tipsy. I am living proof that you don't have to drink to have fun, and saying you do is BS.
However, the reason I am writing this WIT post is not to explain why I don't drink, it is to explain why I get so upset when my friends get drunk. Tonight, Hilton and Trinity got drunk while we were out downtown and I got pissed off and a little upset at them. I got over it soon after they left, but they must have sensed I was getting angry, because soon after they left Hilton sent me a text asking me if I was OK. In return I asked him if he was OK and told him that I just got a little pissed off at him and Trinity. Apparently, that was a mistake.
Something that should have not been a big deal snowballed out of control. Hilton got really defensive, and after he told Trinity what I said, Trinity got really aggressive. They both asked me why I got pissed off and I told them the reason I got pissed off is because when someone is drunk, reasoning usually goes out the window and it's virtually impossible to stop them from doing something stupid. Basically, in my eyes, someone becomes really immature. Trinity told me that I was being immature by thinking this. He told me what they were doing was just having fun.
Now, I understand that when someone is drunk their ability to think straight is incredibly diminished. Basically, since you have no inhibitions, you don't really need the ability to understand reasoning, so your brain basically locks it up until you can handle it again. With no reason, there is nothing stopping you from doing what you want to do. It doesn't matter if it's good, bad, safe, dangerous, smart or stupid, if you want to do it, you will. The only thing that could stop you is if someone or something subdues you.
In retrospect, I know how saying that I got angry because I couldn't reason with Hilton and Trinity might sound confusing. But you have to kind of look at things through my eyes. I admit that what I said makes absolutely no sense, but you have to consider that even though I've never been drunk, I've had to deal with someone close to me getting drunk a lot more than someone should. My brother began to get drunk when I was only 11 and he was 17. The first time I saw my brother drunk I took care of him, because at that time I didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't want him to get in trouble and at the time I didn't think it would escalate to him getting drunk everytime the opportunity presented itself. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
My brother continued to get drunk almost every night and I continued to take care of him. Soon, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and eventually I was 18 years old and I was still taking care of my drunk brother. Needless to say, I made the decision at a very young age to not ever get drunk and everyone could see what my brother had become. My brother was an alcoholic, and it took my brother 7 years to finally realize this and to begin the path to recovery. As you can imagine, all of this took a toll on me.
I never enjoyed taking care of my brother when he got drunk. I don't think anyone ever enjoys it, but if you don't take care of them, who will? People get frustrated with others when they become drunk and I've come very close to abandoning someone though I never did in the very end. Also, if I'm taking care of someone I don't like to hear the excuse, "I was just having fun." You might be having fun, but do you think it's any fun for the person taking care of you? Do you think it's any fun for the person that has to deal with your crap?
My brother was having fun too when he got drunk every night but in the end alcoholism didn't only ruin his life, it ruined my entire family's. Vacations had to be cut short to bail my brother out of jail, my brother's license got suspended 4 times and he almost lost the ability to drive legally permanently, reeling from the emotional pain of seeing a family member destroyed became commonplace, and most of the time you feel the same amount of blame and shame as the addict, because in part, you enabled the addict to keep on feeding his addiction.
My brother is in the path of recovery, but he'll always be an alcoholic. I'll never forget all the times I had to take care of him, and everytime I see someone close to me get drunk, I'll always be reminded of the emotional pain that was being medicated to me almost every day of the week. That's why I get angry, but I do get over it, depending on how out of the control the situation was.
All in all I still enjoy going out with my friends and I hope they still do invite me when they decide to go, even after they read this. I just want them to know that I don't only go to have fun, but I also go to look out for them. If they do get drunk and I do get a little frustrated or angry at them, I also want them to understand why. It might sound like it's something I have to get over, but I don't think I ever will. It something that will always be embedded in my brain.
So my friends can go, they can invite me, they can drink and get drunk. But they should know, that once they get drunk I am the one who's responsible for them. Because even though they are not my brother, they are still someone close to me, and I would never ever want to see them get hurt.
SEXDUCTXY!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I am so jealous of her boogie!
Today, I bought RuPaul’s new book: Workin’ It – RuPaul’s Guide to Life,
It made me feel horrible to some extent because I do a lot of what she says we should not do and a lot of what she says sounds very true to me. Here, I’ll post what she writes.
“Positivity always pays off. You can start by not putting other people down. Gossip and saying negative things about other people in a result of you self-loathing projecting outward. Don’t feed into it! When you see that tourist standing in baggage claim, the one wearing the misguided, Day-Glo tracksuit, cut them some slack! You criticizing them is the same as you criticizing yourself. Accept that misguided Day-Glo tracksuit and you will dodge a lethal boomerang. What you find fault with in other people is usually what’s bothering you about yourself. It’s an endless if you let yourself fall into that negative pit.
Similarly, if people are saying nasty, hurtful things about you, don’t allow your ego to co-opt the situation by taking what they’re saying to heart. Know that what they’re saying has nothing to do with you. Again, it’s them projecting their own self-loathing and fear. Say this out loud: What other people think of me is none of my business.”
That excerpt really spoke to me because I do what RuPaul said I should not do all the time. I do gossip and usually insult other people all the time, even if I don’t really mean to. Do I gossip and say hurtful things about other people because that’s what I despise about myself? Perhaps. A lot of the most homophobic people out there, are actually homosexuals themselves and the reason they’re so homophobic is because they are not comfortable with their sexuality.
Similarly, I do take a lot of people what they say to heart. I told you in the post right before this one that I have self-esteem issues and when people say something hurtful about me, my paranoia comes in play.
Well, in result to this excerpt, I say NO MORE! I shall try not to gossip about other people anymore and not take what they say to heart. Because as RuPaul said in her book, and countless times in her show: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen in here?”
AMEN, RuPaul! AMEN!
SEXDUCTXY!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thought Processes and Paranoia
I have self-esteem issues. Most would argue that statement isn’t true. Most people know that I’m confident, fearless, speak my mind, and not afraid to stand up for something or someone who I think has done something admirable or brave. However, on the flip side, if someone says something bad about me, or if I feel someone doesn’t like me, I instantly go through a thought process that would defy the happy, bubbly person that I usually am and would make me look like a stranger.
If someone says something bad about me, I instantly become paranoid. I want to know who said it, why they said it, and wonder who else has thought or said it. People usually say things about a person because said person said it first or because someone else said it, so I’m paranoid that if someone says and thinks it, then it’s only a matter of time before someone else does the same. If the thing said is true, I really can’t do anything about it, but if it’s not, I try to dispel it.
If I find or feel someone doesn’t like me, I try everything in my power to make said person like me. I have this innate desire to be liked by everyone so I'll do pretty much anything to make someone like me. It's impossible I know, but I’ll compliment them, I’ll do favors for them, I’ll stand up for them, and even though I’m not very proud of this, I’ll even lie to or for them. I think that this desire comes from moving around so much as a kid and having to make a whole new group of friends, or by instances when I knew I wasn’t like by an entire group of people.
Another reason I get paranoid about these two things is because I’m pretty sure I’m hard to get along with. Most people think I’m drunk or high when they first meet me because I tend to act drunk or high when I’ve never even been tipsy or ever even smoked cigarettes in my life. I tend to act very flirtatious around people and talk way too much, so I’m pretty sure I annoy some/ all people most of the time. Finally, some of the things I say and do are things that no one in their right mind would say or do, mostly because my thought process works differently than those of other people. People with different thought processes are generally hard to get along with.
Is it for these three reasons that I don’t know what to think about myself right now. Let me explain:
The other night, I went out with Trinity and Hilton downtown. It’s something I tend to do one or two times a week, so I don’t really think much of it. It can be fun, it can be boring, it can be great, it can be horrible, but most of the time it turns out to be fun and great so I do it every week. I’m also the kind of person who can have fun downtown without drinking or doing drugs, so I tend to remember everything about a previous night while someone else might not.
Anyways, that night we went out with some of Hilton’s friends and after they all got wasted we had to drive them to a hotel they were staying at downtown. While I drove them there assuring them countless times that I wasn’t drunk but a bad driver, one of Hilton’s friends threw up all over Trinity. Trinity got pissed and since we had gone home so early, Trinity was in no way sobered up. He kept screaming and fighting people, acting, well, drunk.
I don’t mind his drunkenness most of the time since he tend to get drunk a lot, but we usually go home well after bar time is over so he usually has time to work the alcohol out of his system. This time, he hadn’t, and it was the 4th time that I’ve seen him clearly wasted since he came back to Austin from Florida. He kept screaming at people and kept threatening to hurt himself, but of course, Hilton and I took care of him the best we could.
When we finally got back to Trinity’s place, Hilton and I decided to drop him off while I decided to drive myself back home and then Hilton could go home. Trinity said I could stay, but I said no, and then he said he could drive me home but I said no to that too, because he was way too drunk to drive. After dropping him off Hilton and I left but shortly after we left Hilton mentioned he couldn’t find his phone. He called it with my phone, but he couldn’t hear it so I turned around and went back to Trinity’s place to ask him if he had Hilton’s phone and so Hilton could get out and look for it.
However, when I did a U-turn and headed back to Trinity’s place I was shocked to find that he had followed us in his car. Why did he do that? I don’t know, but after I stopped I had to wait for Hilton to find his phone and to get Trinity under control. At one point, Hilton and I almost left but Trinity opened my car door, told me I was stupid, told Hilton not to go with me because I was going to take advantage of him and hurt him, and basically told me he did not care about me or trust me. I was hurt.
I have done a lot for Trinity, and yes, even though I do gossip and tell a lot of people he is a whore (remember when I said that people repeat what other people say? I’ve heard people call him a whore and even heard Trinity refer himself as one on countless occasions), I’ve never done anything to make him question our friendship. I was with him most of the time when he got too wasted here in Austin, and I love Trinity and really would do anything for him. I was hurt, but I was angry and pissed as hell and fed up with him at that moment.
When Trinity threatened to call the cops and Hilton started to act drunk as well, I left, intending to walk all the way home if I had to. Hilton thankfully told me to wait for him but when I got a text message and heard Trinity announce once again that he was going to call the cops I walked over to a Walgreens near his place and decided to wait there for Hilton, just in case the cops did come. I was angry, I was pissed, and at that moment, my anger and rage overshadowed my worriment that if Trinity did call the cops that he was going to go to jail instead of me or Hilton.
Then, I finally did something that betrayed Trinity’s trust in me. It was stupid, done out of anger and rage, and even though Trinity says it was immature, I had a thought process when I did it. Most people don’t reply to any of my comments on Facebook. I doubt most people even read any or most of them, as I don’t read most of the comments people post. I happen to catch one, sometimes, but most of the time it’s stuff I don’t need to know or care about. It was for that very reason that I posted an angry message on Facebook that escalated way out of proportion.
I won’t repeat the message here just in case people know who I’m talking about when I call my friend Trinity, but apparently my post was what Facebook called “Top News”. I don’t know why it was considered “Top News” or what even triggers a post to be called “Top News” anyways, but it was and HUNDREDS of people read it and since I don’t protect my friend’s identities in Facebook posts, people judged him.
Four people asked me what happened and it wasn’t a big deal, but a lot of people were calling him the other day to ask him what happened and he wasn’t happy about what I posted. He asked me what kind of friend I was at one point but he later deleted that post and when I called him later he asked me to delete the post, even though I intended to the next time I got online. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but he sure did and so did a lot of other people.
I thought after I deleted it that that was that, but I was wrong. Today, when I talked to Trinity he was still upset about it. I was trying to make him laugh but he replied in anger. And then he kept going on and on about the post that I considered then and still do consider pretty meaningless. Then he said something that changed all that: He said, “People have been telling me to consider your friendship.” I thought he meant something else at first honestly - a friend having posted that I needed better friends yesterday - but then what he said put me back into a paranoid state of mind.
I instantly went into the defensive and finding out that people had been telling him to consider our friendship because of a stupid Facebook post, I defended my reasons for posting that. The day after I posted that and I told Trinity why I posted that he seemed to understand, but he did a complete 180. He now thinks that I did something stupid and while I admit it was, I think it was completely justified at the time and still do.
He told me he would never post something hateful on Facebook while he was sober and no one else would, though I think that’s a lie. If he had to take care of me while I was drunk, I think he would post something like, “Taking care of DC. He’s more annoying than he usually is when he’s drunk.” I’m wouldn’t defend myself is someone said that: I’m pretty sure I would be a sad, the-world-is-out-to-get-me drunk, which is one of the most annoying. Anyways, he also said he would never talk about me behind my back. I think that was a lie. Most people talk about their friends behind their back unintentionally telling other friends what they said about themselves. Basically I felt like I was defending myself the entire time during our conversation.
Finally, I told Trinity that he obviously did need to consider our friendship and his trust in me. That what he had said while drunk was probably foreshadowing or bringing to light something he had been thinking about a long time. I didn’t intend it but that brought up a thought: “Am I good friend? Am I better off not being trusted?” I don’t know, but the question is now stuck in my mind and eating out at me from the inside.
I don’t know who said that my friendship should be considered though I have some ideas, and I don’t know if Trinity and I will ever be friends again, though I’m pretty sure we won’t be as close as we once were. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong, it’s just what and how I think. So please, if anyone out there is reading this, please tell me, is what I did wrong? I really don’t know what to think anymore, but I do think you might, so please comment and tell me…
SEXDUCTXY!
If someone says something bad about me, I instantly become paranoid. I want to know who said it, why they said it, and wonder who else has thought or said it. People usually say things about a person because said person said it first or because someone else said it, so I’m paranoid that if someone says and thinks it, then it’s only a matter of time before someone else does the same. If the thing said is true, I really can’t do anything about it, but if it’s not, I try to dispel it.
If I find or feel someone doesn’t like me, I try everything in my power to make said person like me. I have this innate desire to be liked by everyone so I'll do pretty much anything to make someone like me. It's impossible I know, but I’ll compliment them, I’ll do favors for them, I’ll stand up for them, and even though I’m not very proud of this, I’ll even lie to or for them. I think that this desire comes from moving around so much as a kid and having to make a whole new group of friends, or by instances when I knew I wasn’t like by an entire group of people.
Another reason I get paranoid about these two things is because I’m pretty sure I’m hard to get along with. Most people think I’m drunk or high when they first meet me because I tend to act drunk or high when I’ve never even been tipsy or ever even smoked cigarettes in my life. I tend to act very flirtatious around people and talk way too much, so I’m pretty sure I annoy some/ all people most of the time. Finally, some of the things I say and do are things that no one in their right mind would say or do, mostly because my thought process works differently than those of other people. People with different thought processes are generally hard to get along with.
Is it for these three reasons that I don’t know what to think about myself right now. Let me explain:
The other night, I went out with Trinity and Hilton downtown. It’s something I tend to do one or two times a week, so I don’t really think much of it. It can be fun, it can be boring, it can be great, it can be horrible, but most of the time it turns out to be fun and great so I do it every week. I’m also the kind of person who can have fun downtown without drinking or doing drugs, so I tend to remember everything about a previous night while someone else might not.
Anyways, that night we went out with some of Hilton’s friends and after they all got wasted we had to drive them to a hotel they were staying at downtown. While I drove them there assuring them countless times that I wasn’t drunk but a bad driver, one of Hilton’s friends threw up all over Trinity. Trinity got pissed and since we had gone home so early, Trinity was in no way sobered up. He kept screaming and fighting people, acting, well, drunk.
I don’t mind his drunkenness most of the time since he tend to get drunk a lot, but we usually go home well after bar time is over so he usually has time to work the alcohol out of his system. This time, he hadn’t, and it was the 4th time that I’ve seen him clearly wasted since he came back to Austin from Florida. He kept screaming at people and kept threatening to hurt himself, but of course, Hilton and I took care of him the best we could.
When we finally got back to Trinity’s place, Hilton and I decided to drop him off while I decided to drive myself back home and then Hilton could go home. Trinity said I could stay, but I said no, and then he said he could drive me home but I said no to that too, because he was way too drunk to drive. After dropping him off Hilton and I left but shortly after we left Hilton mentioned he couldn’t find his phone. He called it with my phone, but he couldn’t hear it so I turned around and went back to Trinity’s place to ask him if he had Hilton’s phone and so Hilton could get out and look for it.
However, when I did a U-turn and headed back to Trinity’s place I was shocked to find that he had followed us in his car. Why did he do that? I don’t know, but after I stopped I had to wait for Hilton to find his phone and to get Trinity under control. At one point, Hilton and I almost left but Trinity opened my car door, told me I was stupid, told Hilton not to go with me because I was going to take advantage of him and hurt him, and basically told me he did not care about me or trust me. I was hurt.
I have done a lot for Trinity, and yes, even though I do gossip and tell a lot of people he is a whore (remember when I said that people repeat what other people say? I’ve heard people call him a whore and even heard Trinity refer himself as one on countless occasions), I’ve never done anything to make him question our friendship. I was with him most of the time when he got too wasted here in Austin, and I love Trinity and really would do anything for him. I was hurt, but I was angry and pissed as hell and fed up with him at that moment.
When Trinity threatened to call the cops and Hilton started to act drunk as well, I left, intending to walk all the way home if I had to. Hilton thankfully told me to wait for him but when I got a text message and heard Trinity announce once again that he was going to call the cops I walked over to a Walgreens near his place and decided to wait there for Hilton, just in case the cops did come. I was angry, I was pissed, and at that moment, my anger and rage overshadowed my worriment that if Trinity did call the cops that he was going to go to jail instead of me or Hilton.
Then, I finally did something that betrayed Trinity’s trust in me. It was stupid, done out of anger and rage, and even though Trinity says it was immature, I had a thought process when I did it. Most people don’t reply to any of my comments on Facebook. I doubt most people even read any or most of them, as I don’t read most of the comments people post. I happen to catch one, sometimes, but most of the time it’s stuff I don’t need to know or care about. It was for that very reason that I posted an angry message on Facebook that escalated way out of proportion.
I won’t repeat the message here just in case people know who I’m talking about when I call my friend Trinity, but apparently my post was what Facebook called “Top News”. I don’t know why it was considered “Top News” or what even triggers a post to be called “Top News” anyways, but it was and HUNDREDS of people read it and since I don’t protect my friend’s identities in Facebook posts, people judged him.
Four people asked me what happened and it wasn’t a big deal, but a lot of people were calling him the other day to ask him what happened and he wasn’t happy about what I posted. He asked me what kind of friend I was at one point but he later deleted that post and when I called him later he asked me to delete the post, even though I intended to the next time I got online. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but he sure did and so did a lot of other people.
I thought after I deleted it that that was that, but I was wrong. Today, when I talked to Trinity he was still upset about it. I was trying to make him laugh but he replied in anger. And then he kept going on and on about the post that I considered then and still do consider pretty meaningless. Then he said something that changed all that: He said, “People have been telling me to consider your friendship.” I thought he meant something else at first honestly - a friend having posted that I needed better friends yesterday - but then what he said put me back into a paranoid state of mind.
I instantly went into the defensive and finding out that people had been telling him to consider our friendship because of a stupid Facebook post, I defended my reasons for posting that. The day after I posted that and I told Trinity why I posted that he seemed to understand, but he did a complete 180. He now thinks that I did something stupid and while I admit it was, I think it was completely justified at the time and still do.
He told me he would never post something hateful on Facebook while he was sober and no one else would, though I think that’s a lie. If he had to take care of me while I was drunk, I think he would post something like, “Taking care of DC. He’s more annoying than he usually is when he’s drunk.” I’m wouldn’t defend myself is someone said that: I’m pretty sure I would be a sad, the-world-is-out-to-get-me drunk, which is one of the most annoying. Anyways, he also said he would never talk about me behind my back. I think that was a lie. Most people talk about their friends behind their back unintentionally telling other friends what they said about themselves. Basically I felt like I was defending myself the entire time during our conversation.
Finally, I told Trinity that he obviously did need to consider our friendship and his trust in me. That what he had said while drunk was probably foreshadowing or bringing to light something he had been thinking about a long time. I didn’t intend it but that brought up a thought: “Am I good friend? Am I better off not being trusted?” I don’t know, but the question is now stuck in my mind and eating out at me from the inside.
I don’t know who said that my friendship should be considered though I have some ideas, and I don’t know if Trinity and I will ever be friends again, though I’m pretty sure we won’t be as close as we once were. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong, it’s just what and how I think. So please, if anyone out there is reading this, please tell me, is what I did wrong? I really don’t know what to think anymore, but I do think you might, so please comment and tell me…
SEXDUCTXY!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)