First Day

Today was the first day of school for me. After a rather uneventful summer it's strange to be back in school. I mean, it great to see the faces of people that I haven't seen since last May, but they all ask me what I did during the Summer. Unfortunately, my summer turned out to be quite uneventful. I didn't really go anywhere and I really didn't do much. I did go to Gay Pride, and I did volunteer work at Bloom, which I'm sure is going to make aGLIFF 23 a big success, but I didn't go to Ocean City with the rest of my family and I could have done more, but just didn't feel inspired.

As I didn't do much during the Summer, I'm being held in suspense of the workload that will hit me, but as I've always operated better when I'm busy, I think I'll actually welcome it rather than dread it. Also, I'm actually excited to take Human Sexuality, which is my only class until late September. My professor, Dr. Steve Rison, is the adviser for Equality Now, a GLBTQA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, and Allies) club I'm part of so I already met him a few times.

In Human Sexuality Dr. Rison told us that he wanted us to start a journal which we should write in a few days a week. It was actually kind of funny, because I have been meaning to blog more lately, so it was like the Universe was telling me that it was not only OK, but somewhat required. Another thing that Dr. Rison told us is that we should start a large project, which we have to present to the class at the end of the semester. I'm not really sure what my project will be at the moment, but I do know that I want to take it with some new friends in class. These two new friends, which shall remain nameless for now, are also part of the GLBT community, so I think more than likely my project will fall under that spectrum.

Another thing which I'm planning on doing much of this semester is getting involved in Student Life. During the last semester of the school year I spent a lot of time in the Student Life office since I became in officer in Equality Now. Spending time there, I realized that a lot of what Student Life did is a lot of what I want to do, so I've decided to help them out by being a volunteer. I want to completely immerse myself in the system, and possibly help out Equality Now have more a voice in ACC in the process. I also want to meet more of the students in my school, and being part of Student Life will ensure I do that.

Well, anyways, that's what I wanted to blog about this evening. I'll post another WIT (What I Think) blog pretty soon and keep you all updated on what's happening this semester in school!

Until next time,

SEXDUCTXY!

Martial Heat: Morgan Benoit

Unless you live in China, you probably haven’t heard of Morgan Benoit. Despite being born in the USA, (May 21st, 1980, in Burlington, Vermont) and being extremely attractive, Morgan has lived most of his years in China.

Morgan has been involved in the Chinese martial arts for several years. Finding that he had a passion for the sport, at the age of 18 Morgan moved to China to study at the Beijing Sports University where he mastered Long Fist Kung Fu. Once ascending to the top of his class in just a couple of years, he was admitted to the prestigious Shi Cha Hai sports academy, former training grounds of Jet Li,and many of China's top Olympic athletes.

Never letting his love for training lag behind his early career development, while auditioning for and performing in various Chinese historical dramas, TV commercials, game shows and more, he began training in gymnastics under private instruction at Shi Cha Hai. This led to his interest in doing film stunt work as he grew fond of the tumbling and feats of strength that martial arts stunts demanded.

His ability and enthusiasm was well-noted by Jackie Chan whom he worked with in "The Forbidden Kindom" (2008), and also by David Carradine whom he worked with in "Last Hour" (2008).

Morgan was in high-demand as a martial arts actor in China, but after nearly 10 years away from his friends and family, he's recently returned to the US to continue his acting and film career in LA.

To continue to learn more about Morgan, you can add him as a friend on Facebook here.

SEXDUCTXY!

What I Think: Alcoholism

According to my brother and most recovering alcoholics, most of the world is inflicted with the disease of alcoholism. My brother, who is a recovering alcoholic, once told me that anyone who gets drunk more that three times a year, is an alcoholic. I trust his judgment, because even though I was the one who took care of my brother when he came home drunk almost every night for 7 years, I am not an alcoholic. I've never experienced it, though I have witnessed it quite a bit.

A lot of people would say that my brother's statement is wrong. They would say that he is exaggerating because in order to have fun somewhere like downtown you have to drink. Everyone knows that when you drink your inhibitions dissapear, so doing something like singing karaoke, dancing on bar tops, talking to that amazingly hot stranger and then giving said stranger a lap dance, becomes a lot easier.

But tell me: Does someone really have to get drunk to have fun?

I have plenty of fun downtown without drinking. I sing karaoke, I dance on bar tops, I talk to people who I think are hot and if I'm lucky, I do give them lap dances, and I do all of these things completely sober. I love going downtown and I discovered at a young age that I knew how to have fun and appear drunk without actually ever being drunk. It doesn't mean I don't drink. I will have a shot or a drink once in a while but it's never gotten to the point where I've ever been tipsy. I am living proof that you don't have to drink to have fun, and saying you do is BS.

However, the reason I am writing this WIT post is not to explain why I don't drink, it is to explain why I get so upset when my friends get drunk. Tonight, Hilton and Trinity got drunk while we were out downtown and I got pissed off and a little upset at them. I got over it soon after they left, but they must have sensed I was getting angry, because soon after they left Hilton sent me a text asking me if I was OK. In return I asked him if he was OK and told him that I just got a little pissed off at him and Trinity. Apparently, that was a mistake.

Something that should have not been a big deal snowballed out of control. Hilton got really defensive, and after he told Trinity what I said, Trinity got really aggressive. They both asked me why I got pissed off and I told them the reason I got pissed off is because when someone is drunk, reasoning usually goes out the window and it's virtually impossible to stop them from doing something stupid. Basically, in my eyes, someone becomes really immature. Trinity told me that I was being immature by thinking this. He told me what they were doing was just having fun.

Now, I understand that when someone is drunk their ability to think straight is incredibly diminished. Basically, since you have no inhibitions, you don't really need the ability to understand reasoning, so your brain basically locks it up until you can handle it again. With no reason, there is nothing stopping you from doing what you want to do. It doesn't matter if it's good, bad, safe, dangerous, smart or stupid, if you want to do it, you will. The only thing that could stop you is if someone or something subdues you.

In retrospect, I know how saying that I got angry because I couldn't reason with Hilton and Trinity might sound confusing. But you have to kind of look at things through my eyes. I admit that what I said makes absolutely no sense, but you have to consider that even though I've never been drunk, I've had to deal with someone close to me getting drunk a lot more than someone should. My brother began to get drunk when I was only 11 and he was 17. The first time I saw my brother drunk I took care of him, because at that time I didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't want him to get in trouble and at the time I didn't think it would escalate to him getting drunk everytime the opportunity presented itself. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

My brother continued to get drunk almost every night and I continued to take care of him. Soon, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and eventually I was 18 years old and I was still taking care of my drunk brother. Needless to say, I made the decision at a very young age to not ever get drunk and everyone could see what my brother had become. My brother was an alcoholic, and it took my brother 7 years to finally realize this and to begin the path to recovery. As you can imagine, all of this took a toll on me.

I never enjoyed taking care of my brother when he got drunk. I don't think anyone ever enjoys it, but if you don't take care of them, who will? People get frustrated with others when they become drunk and I've come very close to abandoning someone though I never did in the very end. Also, if I'm taking care of someone I don't like to hear the excuse, "I was just having fun." You might be having fun, but do you think it's any fun for the person taking care of you? Do you think it's any fun for the person that has to deal with your crap?

My brother was having fun too when he got drunk every night but in the end alcoholism didn't only ruin his life, it ruined my entire family's. Vacations had to be cut short to bail my brother out of jail, my brother's license got suspended 4 times and he almost lost the ability to drive legally permanently, reeling from the emotional pain of seeing a family member destroyed became commonplace, and most of the time you feel the same amount of blame and shame as the addict, because in part, you enabled the addict to keep on feeding his addiction.

My brother is in the path of recovery, but he'll always be an alcoholic. I'll never forget all the times I had to take care of him, and everytime I see someone close to me get drunk, I'll always be reminded of the emotional pain that was being medicated to me almost every day of the week. That's why I get angry, but I do get over it, depending on how out of the control the situation was.

All in all I still enjoy going out with my friends and I hope they still do invite me when they decide to go, even after they read this. I just want them to know that I don't only go to have fun, but I also go to look out for them. If they do get drunk and I do get a little frustrated or angry at them, I also want them to understand why. It might sound like it's something I have to get over, but I don't think I ever will. It something that will always be embedded in my brain.

So my friends can go, they can invite me, they can drink and get drunk. But they should know, that once they get drunk I am the one who's responsible for them. Because even though they are not my brother, they are still someone close to me, and I would never ever want to see them get hurt.

SEXDUCTXY!

I am so jealous of her boogie!

Today, I bought RuPaul’s new book: Workin’ It – RuPaul’s Guide to Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Style. I’m a big fan of RuPaul, and only became a bigger fan of hers when I saw her live in concert and through her many television appearances, as well as her global hit show RuPaul’s Drag Race, which just ended its second season. Her new book talks a lot about her success and one of her excerpts in her first chapter really spoke to me.

It made me feel horrible to some extent because I do a lot of what she says we should not do and a lot of what she says sounds very true to me. Here, I’ll post what she writes.

“Positivity always pays off. You can start by not putting other people down. Gossip and saying negative things about other people in a result of you self-loathing projecting outward. Don’t feed into it! When you see that tourist standing in baggage claim, the one wearing the misguided, Day-Glo tracksuit, cut them some slack! You criticizing them is the same as you criticizing yourself. Accept that misguided Day-Glo tracksuit and you will dodge a lethal boomerang. What you find fault with in other people is usually what’s bothering you about yourself. It’s an endless if you let yourself fall into that negative pit.

Similarly, if people are saying nasty, hurtful things about you, don’t allow your ego to co-opt the situation by taking what they’re saying to heart. Know that what they’re saying has nothing to do with you. Again, it’s them projecting their own self-loathing and fear. Say this out loud: What other people think of me is none of my business.”

That excerpt really spoke to me because I do what RuPaul said I should not do all the time. I do gossip and usually insult other people all the time, even if I don’t really mean to. Do I gossip and say hurtful things about other people because that’s what I despise about myself? Perhaps. A lot of the most homophobic people out there, are actually homosexuals themselves and the reason they’re so homophobic is because they are not comfortable with their sexuality.

Similarly, I do take a lot of people what they say to heart. I told you in the post right before this one that I have self-esteem issues and when people say something hurtful about me, my paranoia comes in play.

Well, in result to this excerpt, I say NO MORE! I shall try not to gossip about other people anymore and not take what they say to heart. Because as RuPaul said in her book, and countless times in her show: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen in here?”

AMEN, RuPaul! AMEN!

SEXDUCTXY!

Thought Processes and Paranoia

I have self-esteem issues. Most would argue that statement isn’t true. Most people know that I’m confident, fearless, speak my mind, and not afraid to stand up for something or someone who I think has done something admirable or brave. However, on the flip side, if someone says something bad about me, or if I feel someone doesn’t like me, I instantly go through a thought process that would defy the happy, bubbly person that I usually am and would make me look like a stranger.

If someone says something bad about me, I instantly become paranoid. I want to know who said it, why they said it, and wonder who else has thought or said it. People usually say things about a person because said person said it first or because someone else said it, so I’m paranoid that if someone says and thinks it, then it’s only a matter of time before someone else does the same. If the thing said is true, I really can’t do anything about it, but if it’s not, I try to dispel it.

If I find or feel someone doesn’t like me, I try everything in my power to make said person like me. I have this innate desire to be liked by everyone so I'll do pretty much anything to make someone like me. It's impossible I know, but I’ll compliment them, I’ll do favors for them, I’ll stand up for them, and even though I’m not very proud of this, I’ll even lie to or for them. I think that this desire comes from moving around so much as a kid and having to make a whole new group of friends, or by instances when I knew I wasn’t like by an entire group of people.

Another reason I get paranoid about these two things is because I’m pretty sure I’m hard to get along with. Most people think I’m drunk or high when they first meet me because I tend to act drunk or high when I’ve never even been tipsy or ever even smoked cigarettes in my life. I tend to act very flirtatious around people and talk way too much, so I’m pretty sure I annoy some/ all people most of the time. Finally, some of the things I say and do are things that no one in their right mind would say or do, mostly because my thought process works differently than those of other people. People with different thought processes are generally hard to get along with.

Is it for these three reasons that I don’t know what to think about myself right now. Let me explain:
The other night, I went out with Trinity and Hilton downtown. It’s something I tend to do one or two times a week, so I don’t really think much of it. It can be fun, it can be boring, it can be great, it can be horrible, but most of the time it turns out to be fun and great so I do it every week. I’m also the kind of person who can have fun downtown without drinking or doing drugs, so I tend to remember everything about a previous night while someone else might not.

Anyways, that night we went out with some of Hilton’s friends and after they all got wasted we had to drive them to a hotel they were staying at downtown. While I drove them there assuring them countless times that I wasn’t drunk but a bad driver, one of Hilton’s friends threw up all over Trinity. Trinity got pissed and since we had gone home so early, Trinity was in no way sobered up. He kept screaming and fighting people, acting, well, drunk.

I don’t mind his drunkenness most of the time since he tend to get drunk a lot, but we usually go home well after bar time is over so he usually has time to work the alcohol out of his system. This time, he hadn’t, and it was the 4th time that I’ve seen him clearly wasted since he came back to Austin from Florida. He kept screaming at people and kept threatening to hurt himself, but of course, Hilton and I took care of him the best we could.

When we finally got back to Trinity’s place, Hilton and I decided to drop him off while I decided to drive myself back home and then Hilton could go home. Trinity said I could stay, but I said no, and then he said he could drive me home but I said no to that too, because he was way too drunk to drive. After dropping him off Hilton and I left but shortly after we left Hilton mentioned he couldn’t find his phone. He called it with my phone, but he couldn’t hear it so I turned around and went back to Trinity’s place to ask him if he had Hilton’s phone and so Hilton could get out and look for it.

However, when I did a U-turn and headed back to Trinity’s place I was shocked to find that he had followed us in his car. Why did he do that? I don’t know, but after I stopped I had to wait for Hilton to find his phone and to get Trinity under control. At one point, Hilton and I almost left but Trinity opened my car door, told me I was stupid, told Hilton not to go with me because I was going to take advantage of him and hurt him, and basically told me he did not care about me or trust me. I was hurt.

I have done a lot for Trinity, and yes, even though I do gossip and tell a lot of people he is a whore (remember when I said that people repeat what other people say? I’ve heard people call him a whore and even heard Trinity refer himself as one on countless occasions), I’ve never done anything to make him question our friendship. I was with him most of the time when he got too wasted here in Austin, and I love Trinity and really would do anything for him. I was hurt, but I was angry and pissed as hell and fed up with him at that moment.

When Trinity threatened to call the cops and Hilton started to act drunk as well, I left, intending to walk all the way home if I had to. Hilton thankfully told me to wait for him but when I got a text message and heard Trinity announce once again that he was going to call the cops I walked over to a Walgreens near his place and decided to wait there for Hilton, just in case the cops did come. I was angry, I was pissed, and at that moment, my anger and rage overshadowed my worriment that if Trinity did call the cops that he was going to go to jail instead of me or Hilton.

Then, I finally did something that betrayed Trinity’s trust in me. It was stupid, done out of anger and rage, and even though Trinity says it was immature, I had a thought process when I did it. Most people don’t reply to any of my comments on Facebook. I doubt most people even read any or most of them, as I don’t read most of the comments people post. I happen to catch one, sometimes, but most of the time it’s stuff I don’t need to know or care about. It was for that very reason that I posted an angry message on Facebook that escalated way out of proportion.

I won’t repeat the message here just in case people know who I’m talking about when I call my friend Trinity, but apparently my post was what Facebook called “Top News”. I don’t know why it was considered “Top News” or what even triggers a post to be called “Top News” anyways, but it was and HUNDREDS of people read it and since I don’t protect my friend’s identities in Facebook posts, people judged him.

Four people asked me what happened and it wasn’t a big deal, but a lot of people were calling him the other day to ask him what happened and he wasn’t happy about what I posted. He asked me what kind of friend I was at one point but he later deleted that post and when I called him later he asked me to delete the post, even though I intended to the next time I got online. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but he sure did and so did a lot of other people.

I thought after I deleted it that that was that, but I was wrong. Today, when I talked to Trinity he was still upset about it. I was trying to make him laugh but he replied in anger. And then he kept going on and on about the post that I considered then and still do consider pretty meaningless. Then he said something that changed all that: He said, “People have been telling me to consider your friendship.” I thought he meant something else at first honestly - a friend having posted that I needed better friends yesterday - but then what he said put me back into a paranoid state of mind.

I instantly went into the defensive and finding out that people had been telling him to consider our friendship because of a stupid Facebook post, I defended my reasons for posting that. The day after I posted that and I told Trinity why I posted that he seemed to understand, but he did a complete 180. He now thinks that I did something stupid and while I admit it was, I think it was completely justified at the time and still do.

He told me he would never post something hateful on Facebook while he was sober and no one else would, though I think that’s a lie. If he had to take care of me while I was drunk, I think he would post something like, “Taking care of DC. He’s more annoying than he usually is when he’s drunk.” I’m wouldn’t defend myself is someone said that: I’m pretty sure I would be a sad, the-world-is-out-to-get-me drunk, which is one of the most annoying. Anyways, he also said he would never talk about me behind my back. I think that was a lie. Most people talk about their friends behind their back unintentionally telling other friends what they said about themselves. Basically I felt like I was defending myself the entire time during our conversation.

Finally, I told Trinity that he obviously did need to consider our friendship and his trust in me. That what he had said while drunk was probably foreshadowing or bringing to light something he had been thinking about a long time. I didn’t intend it but that brought up a thought: “Am I good friend? Am I better off not being trusted?” I don’t know, but the question is now stuck in my mind and eating out at me from the inside.

I don’t know who said that my friendship should be considered though I have some ideas, and I don’t know if Trinity and I will ever be friends again, though I’m pretty sure we won’t be as close as we once were. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong, it’s just what and how I think. So please, if anyone out there is reading this, please tell me, is what I did wrong? I really don’t know what to think anymore, but I do think you might, so please comment and tell me…

SEXDUCTXY!

What I Think: Kissing

Image by Getty Images via DaylifeI've never considered kissing that big of a deal. Everyone tells me it is a big deal because kissing is a sign of affection, and I entirely agree when people say that kissing is a major form of foreplay, but I still think it's not as big as deal as people make it out to be. Take last month for example: At OCH (Oilcan Harry's) they had this really worthy event called Harry's County Fair. Basically different organizations around the city would set up some sort of booth in the nightclub and based on the number of tickets the booth got, the organization would make a certain amount of money.

The Q participated in this event and Lex asked me to find people willing to be part of the booth they had assigned to us, which turned out to be a kissing booth. The rules were very simple: Every time a person made an appropriate donation we would kiss them on the cheek – because even though I wasn't concerned – a lot of people were scared of the prospect of contracting herpes. I looked and found some great people to participate and one of the people I asked was Sony. Sony is 18 now and even though he isn't the regulation hottie that most gay men end up being attracted to, he's a total twink and every once in a while people feel like flipping through the pages of Freshman magazine rather then Men (though if you're like me you have a subscription to both and enjoy them each from cover to cover).

Sony agreed to be part of the booth but in the day of the event, at the last minute, he backed out because he had just gotten a new boyfriend. I couldn't force Sony to do it so I let him back out (which actually worked out for the best because I didn't know it then, but it was supposed to be an event for people 21 and up ONLY so Sony would have been kicked out anyway) but in my mind I couldn't stop thinking: "It's not that big of a deal, its just a kiss on the cheek. If your boyfriend can't handle you kissing people on the cheek for a worthy organization then he's a total snob like most of the men you fall for Sony." It might be wrong to think such a thing, but is a kiss on the cheek such a big thing?

I don't know about you but a kiss on the cheek is a very friendly gesture. I kiss my friends on the cheek all the time and I never think that is will result into my kissing partner and me taking a leisurely stroll down the "Friends with Benefits" road. When I go downtown I kiss quite a few people on the cheek several times because being the person who I am – lovey-dovey and touchy feely to the point of me being flirtatious 24/7 – it's just something that I enjoy to do and several other people just seem to enjoy receiving (though people could argue that the fact they start smiling is because they don't know how to react). And even then it usually doesn't go farther then that.

There have been some guys whose automatic response is, "I have a boyfriend" and my initial response to that is, "We're doing something completely innocent". If a person really does become uncomfortable by my level of flirtatiousness I stop, but more times than not people seem to agree and begin to return this harmless gesture of affection. However, it's hardly ever resulted into me and the other person romping under the sheets. Even the day before yesterday, when I was downtown, when the kissing went beyond the simple peek on the cheek and into a full blown make out session, I did not find myself exchanging numbers with the other guy at the end of the night.

Kissing is just not that big of a deal. A peek on the cheek or the lips won't result into you getting naked with the other person at the end of the night. Making out with someone doesn't mean that by the end of the night your future child will have that moment to thank for his or her conception (for everyone knows that alcohol is usually a very large factor in getting a woman impregnated). I don't care if the movies say it is because every person who's lost their virginity knows that it usually doesn't happen the way it does in the movies. The only time that happens is if you wait until marriage to have sex and that part of our cultural society is quite slim.

There are several reasons, personal and socially, that it shouldn't be a big deal and well, I'll offer one of each. Let's start with the social aspect of why kissing shouldn't be a big deal:

KISSING IS FUN. Everyone who has ever kissed someone else knows that kissing is very fun. It’s enjoyable, it turns you on, and more times than not, your kissing partner knows what they’re doing, and if they don’t you can always turn the tables by instead of kissing them on the month, you can always move down and kiss them on the neck and so forth.

Now for the personal aspect:

YOU CAN BECOME A KISSING EXPERT. I know that I don’t look like what most guys are looking for. I’m not the most attractive of men, I’m way too boy crazy, and everyone who’s ever met me agrees that I’m quite a character. However, if there’s one thing that every guy I’ve managed to ever kiss agrees on: I’m damn good at it. I’m describes to have peppermint lips and my kissing prowess has been good enough to turn on just about any guy. I’ve had people seek me out just to find out how good I am, and everyone who has, has been pleasantly surprised.

That’s what I think about kissing and for those who want tips – believe me, a lot of people have asked me before – here are 4 simple steps:

Before the big night, use a tongue scrapper. A lot of people don’t know why I suggest they use a tongue scrapped but I dated a dentist once and let me tell you, had the freshest kisses ever. I thought he just took really good care of his teeth because well, he was a dentist but one day he revealed his secret. Every time before our dates, he would scrap his tongue. This made his kisses as fresh as possible and ever since I’ve dated him, I’ve scrapped my tongue too. Doesn’t hurt, I promise.

At the restaurant, don’t eat anything smelly. This is a given to a lot of people, but if you’re going to kiss someone you want to avoid foods like garlic, onion, and cheese because they’ll stink up your breathe. The safest food to eat is salad, but even then it’s hard to avoid certain types of food. If you can’t avoid it because you’re going to go to an Italian restaurant for dinner (where garlic and cheese is served with everything) then ask the waiter if you can have some parsley or mint from the kitchen, which every restaurant has. Go into the bathroom, put it in your mouth, chew it up a bit and your breathe will be kissing ready. All you have to worry about is parsley or mint getting stuck in between your teeth, so take toothpicks too.

Start slowly, and then go in for the kill. I know it sounds kind of weird, but you don’t want to make out with your date right away. Sometimes, it good, for something like the first kiss but a perfect kiss takes some planning. Kissing is the ultimate form of foreplay and the perfect kiss has some of it’s own. If you’re unsure what I mean do what I like to do: Before making out I like to start with those little baby kisses… You know the pecks on the lips, cheeks, and other parts of the body.

Practice makes perfect. Obvious. The more you practice, the better you’ll get. Finding a kissing partner is easy. You just have to look in the right place.

And that's basically what I think about kissing. It's not that big of a deal but it should still be done with the best of someone's ability. Because even though it happens to everyone at least once and it does happen everyday, everyone still wants to be the best kisser they can be.

Sexductxy!

What I Think: Motivation

Image via WikipediaMotivation has always been an important aspect in my life. Whenever I’m motivated enough to do something or get something that I want, more times than not I often succeed in getting it. Weather it be something stupid and meaningless such as achieving the next level for my character in a video game or something important such as a job, if I’m motivated enough, I’ll achieve it eventually. So now, with so many important things going on in my life (school, work, and planning a variety show), where do I turn when my motivation seems to be gone?

Getting motivation isn’t a complicated process. When you’re excited about a task you motivate yourself to do the best you can possibly do in said task. When you get offered something fabulous such as a trip to a foreign destination because you did well in a job, you motivate yourself to do your job well. There are many methods to getting the motivation you need to do well in something, but losing that motivation is unexplained, hard to detect, and often times, unpreventable because you don’t know when it’s going to hit you.

I’ve lost my motivation lately. I was in school but by the second or third week I stopped going to classes because I didn’t feel motivated enough to go. I have a job and even though I’m excited about it now I’m afraid that sooner or later my motivation will fade and I won’t be excited about work anymore and simply go because I depend of my new job for survival. Finally, The Q entitled me with planning a variety show for the month of November and even though I know I will have a great time planning it and throwing it I haven’t felt motivated enough to take the first step.

The worst part about losing your motivation is that often times you don’t know why you lost it. I mean school was going great. My classes were amazing, my teachers liked me, and my classmates were awesome, but I don’t know… Not going excited me more than going. Also, my new job as a Sales Associate for the company Charming Charlie looks like a great job, but I’m not sure how long I’ll like the job. There are many good things about the job: Good pay, great co-workers, flexible schedule, and it’s a store that sells woman’s clothes so I won’t blow all my paycheck on buying things from there, but how long will the pros outweigh the cons?

And finally, we get to the variety show. I don’t know why I haven’t taken the first step in planning it. Making the variety show a success is my first step to getting what I would consider a dream job: A community organizer for the Q. I love the Q with all my heart and I would love getting a job there. It’s about the only thing in my life that I’m motivated enough to go to often enough and never tire of it. I love the people there, I love the atmosphere, and I look forward to all the events we do every week and every month.

However, I am confident about one thing: My motivation will return. Even though someone's motivation is lost in time it always finds someway back into a person's heart. Maybe it will happen seconds after I post this blog or maybe it will take days, but sooner or later my motivation will return and a renewed sense of being will grow in my heart and everything I hope to accomplish will be accomplished. All I need to do is find a way to lure that ghost or muse that bring about motivation to come back to me, but I believe with all my heart that I will...