What I Think: Inadequacy

I've been having a hard time writing this blog post. Most of the time I have a pretty good sense of what I'm feeling, and even though I know what I feel is inauthentic, at the same time I can't bear to feel that it continues to show up in my life and make it's presence known. Whether it be my career choices, my love life, even the way I present myself to the world, this feeling of inadequacy continues to prevail over my life making me feel worthless and more times like a burden rather than someone who contributes to the good of mankind.

Inadequacy is something that I've always really struggled with. At a young age it was forcefully fed to me that if my thoughts were different than everyone else, it was my responsibility to change my thoughts so they would fit comfortably in the world I lived in. I never really fought the rule, because in many cases I was the odd man out, though it did bother me that I seemed to be the odd man out in almost all situations. I didn't know what made me so different and in my mind I've translated that to me being inferior and just not up to standard that the world wants me to be in.

It's a terrible thought, but it often feels like I'm just not good enough to be in the world. This doesn't mean that I'm contemplating suicide or anything like that. It just means that I don't think that I've found that niche that makes me feel worthy. I often feel like I'm holding a group back, not doing enough, not caring enough, and even though I'm not ever doing any of these things intentionally, I ultimately feel like I'm ever good enough.

To me it sounds stupid because I think that people never give themselves enough credit, even if they are told time and time again otherwise. Many people who I consider attractive in Austin always tell me that they aren't attractive, and it never fails to baffle me. It confuses me because I always find myself desiring these people, and when I tell them that I think they are in fact very attractive, they get embarrassed and at times, ashamed.

However, it feels to me that my constant validation of other people has stopped me from validating myself. I never trust my own judgement and always feel someone else must compliment or tell me something is brilliant before I believe it myself and even then I sometimes question what others have just validated. I also find myself fishing for compliments, and if I don't receive them I tend to become paranoid that something is really wrong with me.

Perhaps I'm over-thinking this issue, but people probably don't like to be validated because if they thank someone for validating them it makes them come across and smug. Let's face it, no one wants to be considered to be smug and arrogant, and the best way some people rectify this feeling is by being humble and in the most extreme cases, belittle their own work.

I feel like I mustn't be the only one who feels inadequate, but now I want to hear from you. Who else out there feels inadequate? And do you ever find yourself sabotaging your work when someone compliments you? I really want to hear from several on you on this issue and wouldn't you know it, there I am trying to get validation for myself even though no one has yet to report any problems with the way I do posts.

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What I Think: Sluts

Tonight during Trinity's Birthday the topic of being slutty came up. One of Trinity's friends that's just like he is, and said that even though she was typically called a slut, she called herself a "social engineer". I commentted that if I was a hot girl I would probably be extremely slutty. I would dress in hooker heels, wear the most revealing outfits I could find, and I would have sex with multiple and different partners almost every night. It was a good discussion, and more entertaining than heated, and it got me thinking: Is being a slut such a bad thing, and why does it have to be associated with something negative?

When someone says the word "slut" the first image that comes to someone's mind if what the dictionary defines as a slut: An immoral woman, who's loose, an adulteress, and in all respect of the word, a prostitute. After reading this definition I couldn't help to disagree with it. First of all, even though I do agree that sluts are loose and somewhat easy, if that definition is accurate that means that I've been slutting it up all these years. I have a flirtatious and bold nature and it could be argued that I'm immoral and loose. Also, it can be argued that almost everyone, including my friends can be accused of being a slut. Many at one time or another, can be (and have been) accused of being "easy".

But really, do sluts deserve to have such a bad definition associated with their name? Why are sluts receiving the short end of the stick? Sluts can be men or women, but in my mind sluts haven't done anything cruel or hateful towards others. Actually, when you think about it, they've done the complete opposite. The world we live in today is filled with much more pressing issues like a failing economy, the bullying epidemic, and a continuing war of terror which isn't getting that much better (after all, Terror is part of human nature, but that's a blog post for another day). These issues should be viewed with much more attention than someone's fondness for spreading their legs open.

I think sluts have done nothing wrong. If you think my point is misguided then let's look at a group of people that are the opposite of sluts. A group that claims to be moral and only wants the best for other people: Christian Family groups.

For the record, I have nothing against Christians. I am Christian myself (Episcopalian) but really, these Christian Family groups have fucking lost their minds. For example, the Family Research Council (FRC) claims that gay people are nothing but pedophiles and pushing a pedophile agenda. They claim that religious freedom and sanctity fails whenever a Gay Rights Bill is passed. The American Family Association (AFA) credits gay people in orchestrating the Holocaust and causing the death of over six million Jews. In short, these groups are so adamant in putting gay people in a bad light that they are lying to anyone who will listen. That's very unchristian in nature.

I think Margaret Cho said it best in her stand up comedy show "Assassin". To quote her, "They have no right to call themselves Christians because they have no Christianity to them. They have no kindness, they have no compassion, no charity. I want Jesus to come back and say 'THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!'"

But seriously, at the end of the day, I think that we should acknowledge and applaud sluts for their contribution to the world. We shouldn't judge, ridicule or chastise them for being "friendly" towards others. After all, they are spreading love by spreading their legs, not hate. Moreover, I think the world needs more flirtatious, affectionate, and yes, even easy beings. The world needs more sluts... And I for one, am proud to be counted as one among them.

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