Late Night Musing #1

I’ve been having a hard time lately… It’s not that anything in life is particularly going bad or wrong (after all, those are just stories one tells themselves), but I do feel that I’m not where I want to be right now. I feel that people around me, and those who I am closest to, are “more complete” or are “more together” than I am. It’s a dilemma that I seem to constantly find myself in and one that affords me many sleepless nights – more than any other person with my sleeping disorder.

I find myself longing to be even bolder than I am right now. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a pretty bold individual already, but there are some parts of my life which I don’t care to tread to. As I lay in bed today, filtering though thoughts that would normally drift me off into slumber, I found myself thinking of someone who I don’t usually occupy my thoughts with. Ash started out as someone who I deemed as a good friend. He was interesting, artistic, and after some interesting texts from him after we exchanged numbers, someone who I thought was interested in me.

When it comes to matters of the heart, or relationships really, I’m usually not that one that is pursued. I’m usually the one doing the chasing, going after someone who I want and I have never really been the object of someone’s affection. Because of this I found myself liking the fact that someone else was doing the flirting this time around. I could just sit back and enjoy it, and since Ash was trying particularly hard I decided to go out on a date with him.

We went out to the gay clubs here in the ATX, Rain and OCH, and we had a good time. We danced, we sang, and I think we even made out and I really thought that we might have a second date in the near future. It wasn’t until a few days after our first date that he sent me a text saying that he was ending it because he was “using me”. I wasn’t really distraught over it because I didn’t think anything had really started actually and I knew I could do a lot better (OK, I was a little bitter).

After these events transpired time went on as normal. Ash never really texted me after he decided to end things, and even though some of my friends told me he had dumped me I didn’t even see if that way. We went on one date so there was no relationship there.

However, the thing that baffled me the most is what happened when I saw Ash after he stopped talking to me. Before, Ash’s attitude towards me was friendly and he seemed to enjoy talking to me. Even if we weren’t flirting anymore I still considered him a friend and I was glad to see him. Ash on the other hand didn’t seem that glad to see me. In fact, Ash’s attitude towards me did a complete 180. I felt that he detested the fact that I was around and I felt that he actually disliked me and was only tolerating my presence. In a nut shell, he was treating me like a bitch.

Since then that’s all I ever felt from Ash, and the worst part is that I can’t avoid seeing him sometimes because he’s a friend of one of my best friends (who I am absolutely infatuated with, but that’s a blog post for another day). I know it shouldn’t bother me but it really does. I’ve come to terms and admitted in the past that I have a desire to be liked by every individual on Earth and it bothered me that someone who used to like me all of sudden didn’t. I didn’t understand it and it pissed me off to no end that other than disliking me he also outright disrespected me.

And this, my readers, is where I wish to be bolder. I want to call him out on his shit. I want to know why he’s acting like a bitch towards me and what happened that made him decide I wasn’t worth his time. I’ve dealt with people who haven’t liked me before, but I feel much better equipped to deal with it if I know the reason they don’t like me, and since I have to deal with the asshole every once in a while, I’d like to know what annoys him about me so much so I can tell him to get over it and back the fuck off.

Of course, even though I am bolder than your average individual, I’m not mean. I don’t think I would actually call Ash out on his shit but this post should enlighten those that have done what he’s done before. And even though I’m not mean, I also don’t have any shame on spelling it out to any of you who don’t have a fucking clue what I’m talking about.

IF YOU DO NOT LIKE SOMEONE DON’T BE A BITCH AND PRETEND THEY KNOW WHY YOU DON’T LIKE THEM IF THEY IN FACT, DO NOT KNOW. TELL THEM THE REASON.

Believe me, as someone who’s faced this before not only in this case but many others, it’s a lot simpler to resolve the issue if we know the reason why you don’t like us. However, if you’re hate for us has grown so strong that you don’t want to tell us because you enjoy keeping us in the dark, you’re not only a bitch, but a douchebag as well. And that applies to both men and women. If you’re telling yourself that women can’t be called douchebags because it’s not a words they are usually associated with, you can switch it out for a word that would get me banned from this site (Clue: it’s a four letter word that begins with a c and ends with a t).

Anyway, I think I’ve gotten this late night/ early morning musing off my head and I feel a lot better equipped now to get some sleep. I’ll try to be more attentive of this blog since I’ve heard people have been reading it (It surprised me… I didn’t think anyone was interested to know what was on my mind).

To end this post I’ll leave you all with an inspirational song that I’ve danced to, sang along to, and simply loved ever since I first heard it. Gold, by Britt Nicole.

What I Think: Road Trips

Spring Break is right around the corner and if you’re anything like I am, between your studying for midterms, you’re most likely planning what you will do during the break. SWSW will be in town, but the event can be hectic and parking is impossible. You could always take a trip, but unless you’re willing to fork over $100 dollars for a plane ticket, your best alternative for travel is taking a road trip with a couple of friends. However, as fun as road trips can be, road trip etiquette is a foreign concept to a lot of people. In order for you to have the best road trip possible here are a few rules that you should always follow.

1)       Know where you stand.

The roles people take in road trips are very clear, but the first rule someone fails to understand is that the owner of the car is always in charge. As a passenger you do not have the right to change the radio station or suggest changes in music. If you do not like the music or how the driver sings bring your iPod and listen to it on the way, because the owner of the car rules supreme. More importantly, don’t ever critique the driver’s ability to operate a vehicle and whine who gets to seat in the front. This only leads to guideline #2.

2)       Avoid unnecessary drama.

When people go on a road trip they sometimes fail to realize how uncomfortable things might get. It doesn’t matter who you go with – you’re still going to be trapped in a very small space with at least two or three people. If you’re lucky, you’ll just get irritated, but the opposite may happen you may start to feel closer to the driver and other passengers. If this does happen, do not use alone time to divulge your darkest, deepest secrets. No one needs to hear about how you were molested by your uncle and had ‘experimental’ gay experiences with the local circle jerk club. Once the road trip ends, the closeness will wear off and things will return to normal; everyone will know you’re a damaged, molested weirdo.

3)       Make sure your car works.

If you are taking your car makes sure to know the mechanical condition of your car. There is nothing worse than being stranded in the middle of a road and risk being attacked by a serial killer – there is no good excuse for a breakdown! In case something does go wrong, bring a decent set of tools, a flashlight, a service manual, and water. If you’re mechanically ignorant, have the vehicle inspected before leaving. Bring a full-size spare and leave the doughnut at home, if you can spare the trunk space.

4)       Don’t be afraid to explore.

If an exit says “Historic” or “Scenic”, take it. Bring a digital camera and take a picture of every obscure, stupid little thing. Stay with friends or at cheap motels and save your money for souvenirs, tourist traps, and retarded little knick knacks. Stop at every hole in the wall location advertised on billboards. Road trips are called adventures for a reason, and there is no reason to not make your road trip memorable.

What I Think: Inadequacy

I've been having a hard time writing this blog post. Most of the time I have a pretty good sense of what I'm feeling, and even though I know what I feel is inauthentic, at the same time I can't bear to feel that it continues to show up in my life and make it's presence known. Whether it be my career choices, my love life, even the way I present myself to the world, this feeling of inadequacy continues to prevail over my life making me feel worthless and more times like a burden rather than someone who contributes to the good of mankind.

Inadequacy is something that I've always really struggled with. At a young age it was forcefully fed to me that if my thoughts were different than everyone else, it was my responsibility to change my thoughts so they would fit comfortably in the world I lived in. I never really fought the rule, because in many cases I was the odd man out, though it did bother me that I seemed to be the odd man out in almost all situations. I didn't know what made me so different and in my mind I've translated that to me being inferior and just not up to standard that the world wants me to be in.

It's a terrible thought, but it often feels like I'm just not good enough to be in the world. This doesn't mean that I'm contemplating suicide or anything like that. It just means that I don't think that I've found that niche that makes me feel worthy. I often feel like I'm holding a group back, not doing enough, not caring enough, and even though I'm not ever doing any of these things intentionally, I ultimately feel like I'm ever good enough.

To me it sounds stupid because I think that people never give themselves enough credit, even if they are told time and time again otherwise. Many people who I consider attractive in Austin always tell me that they aren't attractive, and it never fails to baffle me. It confuses me because I always find myself desiring these people, and when I tell them that I think they are in fact very attractive, they get embarrassed and at times, ashamed.

However, it feels to me that my constant validation of other people has stopped me from validating myself. I never trust my own judgement and always feel someone else must compliment or tell me something is brilliant before I believe it myself and even then I sometimes question what others have just validated. I also find myself fishing for compliments, and if I don't receive them I tend to become paranoid that something is really wrong with me.

Perhaps I'm over-thinking this issue, but people probably don't like to be validated because if they thank someone for validating them it makes them come across and smug. Let's face it, no one wants to be considered to be smug and arrogant, and the best way some people rectify this feeling is by being humble and in the most extreme cases, belittle their own work.

I feel like I mustn't be the only one who feels inadequate, but now I want to hear from you. Who else out there feels inadequate? And do you ever find yourself sabotaging your work when someone compliments you? I really want to hear from several on you on this issue and wouldn't you know it, there I am trying to get validation for myself even though no one has yet to report any problems with the way I do posts.

SEXDUCTXY!

What I Think: Sluts

Tonight during Trinity's Birthday the topic of being slutty came up. One of Trinity's friends that's just like he is, and said that even though she was typically called a slut, she called herself a "social engineer". I commentted that if I was a hot girl I would probably be extremely slutty. I would dress in hooker heels, wear the most revealing outfits I could find, and I would have sex with multiple and different partners almost every night. It was a good discussion, and more entertaining than heated, and it got me thinking: Is being a slut such a bad thing, and why does it have to be associated with something negative?

When someone says the word "slut" the first image that comes to someone's mind if what the dictionary defines as a slut: An immoral woman, who's loose, an adulteress, and in all respect of the word, a prostitute. After reading this definition I couldn't help to disagree with it. First of all, even though I do agree that sluts are loose and somewhat easy, if that definition is accurate that means that I've been slutting it up all these years. I have a flirtatious and bold nature and it could be argued that I'm immoral and loose. Also, it can be argued that almost everyone, including my friends can be accused of being a slut. Many at one time or another, can be (and have been) accused of being "easy".

But really, do sluts deserve to have such a bad definition associated with their name? Why are sluts receiving the short end of the stick? Sluts can be men or women, but in my mind sluts haven't done anything cruel or hateful towards others. Actually, when you think about it, they've done the complete opposite. The world we live in today is filled with much more pressing issues like a failing economy, the bullying epidemic, and a continuing war of terror which isn't getting that much better (after all, Terror is part of human nature, but that's a blog post for another day). These issues should be viewed with much more attention than someone's fondness for spreading their legs open.

I think sluts have done nothing wrong. If you think my point is misguided then let's look at a group of people that are the opposite of sluts. A group that claims to be moral and only wants the best for other people: Christian Family groups.

For the record, I have nothing against Christians. I am Christian myself (Episcopalian) but really, these Christian Family groups have fucking lost their minds. For example, the Family Research Council (FRC) claims that gay people are nothing but pedophiles and pushing a pedophile agenda. They claim that religious freedom and sanctity fails whenever a Gay Rights Bill is passed. The American Family Association (AFA) credits gay people in orchestrating the Holocaust and causing the death of over six million Jews. In short, these groups are so adamant in putting gay people in a bad light that they are lying to anyone who will listen. That's very unchristian in nature.

I think Margaret Cho said it best in her stand up comedy show "Assassin". To quote her, "They have no right to call themselves Christians because they have no Christianity to them. They have no kindness, they have no compassion, no charity. I want Jesus to come back and say 'THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!'"

But seriously, at the end of the day, I think that we should acknowledge and applaud sluts for their contribution to the world. We shouldn't judge, ridicule or chastise them for being "friendly" towards others. After all, they are spreading love by spreading their legs, not hate. Moreover, I think the world needs more flirtatious, affectionate, and yes, even easy beings. The world needs more sluts... And I for one, am proud to be counted as one among them.

SEXDUCTXY!

Day 8 - A Song To Match Your Mood

Day 8 is a short and sweet blog post, yet I couldn't quite decide what song to post for this one. After a bit of thinking I decided that I would pick a song from a band that was here in Austin recently for SXSW. Foster The People is an LA based band who kicked off Spinner's SXSW Showcase at Stubb's Bar-B-Q Thursday night last week. I had never heard the band before but instantly fell in love with their single "Pumped Up Kicks". Though I doubt I would ever do what the song suggests (find a gun and then tell people to run for their lives while I shoot it), the song's catchy and danceable tune is something that definitely matches my mood today.

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet

It's been almost a month since I did a post for the 30 Day Blog Challenge but like I said when I started this challenge, this challenge would most likely extend over 30 Days. However, I'm kicking it into high gear by doing two posts rather than just one.

Day 6 requests for a photo of an animal I'd love to keep as a pet. I am in many ways like Chelsea Handler, my famous Pisces soul sister because I too would love to have a Dolphin as a pet. However, even though I would love to have a Dolphin I don't have a big enough aquarium and I'm sure PETA would get on my ass if I put my Dolphin into my non-existent pool. Also, as I want my Dolphin to have Dolphin play mates I would somehow have to acquire an island. Maybe I can get Central America from The World Islands. Anyone got $6.85 million dollars I can borrow?

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago

Another short and sweet post. A picture of myself two years ago. There's really not much to say about the picture other than it was taken while I was in Florida the summer before Obama got elected. So it was taken two and half years ago? Yeah, that's pretty much all I can say about the picture...