I've been having a hard time writing this blog post. Most of the time I have a pretty good sense of what I'm feeling, and even though I know what I feel is inauthentic, at the same time I can't bear to feel that it continues to show up in my life and make it's presence known. Whether it be my career choices, my love life, even the way I present myself to the world, this feeling of inadequacy continues to prevail over my life making me feel worthless and more times like a burden rather than someone who contributes to the good of mankind.
Inadequacy is something that I've always really struggled with. At a young age it was forcefully fed to me that if my thoughts were different than everyone else, it was my responsibility to change my thoughts so they would fit comfortably in the world I lived in. I never really fought the rule, because in many cases I was the odd man out, though it did bother me that I seemed to be the odd man out in almost all situations. I didn't know what made me so different and in my mind I've translated that to me being inferior and just not up to standard that the world wants me to be in.
It's a terrible thought, but it often feels like I'm just not good enough to be in the world. This doesn't mean that I'm contemplating suicide or anything like that. It just means that I don't think that I've found that niche that makes me feel worthy. I often feel like I'm holding a group back, not doing enough, not caring enough, and even though I'm not ever doing any of these things intentionally, I ultimately feel like I'm ever good enough.
To me it sounds stupid because I think that people never give themselves enough credit, even if they are told time and time again otherwise. Many people who I consider attractive in Austin always tell me that they aren't attractive, and it never fails to baffle me. It confuses me because I always find myself desiring these people, and when I tell them that I think they are in fact very attractive, they get embarrassed and at times, ashamed.
However, it feels to me that my constant validation of other people has stopped me from validating myself. I never trust my own judgement and always feel someone else must compliment or tell me something is brilliant before I believe it myself and even then I sometimes question what others have just validated. I also find myself fishing for compliments, and if I don't receive them I tend to become paranoid that something is really wrong with me.
Perhaps I'm over-thinking this issue, but people probably don't like to be validated because if they thank someone for validating them it makes them come across and smug. Let's face it, no one wants to be considered to be smug and arrogant, and the best way some people rectify this feeling is by being humble and in the most extreme cases, belittle their own work.
I feel like I mustn't be the only one who feels inadequate, but now I want to hear from you. Who else out there feels inadequate? And do you ever find yourself sabotaging your work when someone compliments you? I really want to hear from several on you on this issue and wouldn't you know it, there I am trying to get validation for myself even though no one has yet to report any problems with the way I do posts.
SEXDUCTXY!
1 comment:
Unless you're a narcissist, majority of the population runs across this sort of paradox, especially people that have leadership roles or volunteer/give back. I asked my husband 3 nights ago if he was proud of me, not out of needing validation or entitlement or to prove that I am better than him. I asked because no matter how much I do for all the organizations I'm involved with I never feel like I do enough; I began to loose sight of my priorities though. A husband, son, 3 classes, lab, & 13 clubs/orgs is a lot so I was being stretched thin & I began to unknowingly ignore the two people that mean the most to me, my son & my husband. I also have had those around me try to change my thoughts or beliefs growing up if they weren't 'normal', but I've always stood up for what I felt is right even if it's not the popular vote; ironically it's that same attitude my parents taught me that caused so many arguments with them. When you compliment someone & they appear ashamed, they may be struggling with similar issues as those posed in your blog that you're dealing with. I for one had to learn to take a compliment, I didn't realize that by not accepting it I was making the person complimenting me question their judgement, think my personality didn't match my physical 'beauty', and it frankly was rude of me & I was raised with manners. But, I struggled with body issues growing up so I suppose that's why I've had a difficult time in the past, but it's not longer an issue. When I get thanked for things that I do, it does make me feel weird because I feel like, 'Why isn't everyone helping out like this?' I don't think there's a problem with you asking for input from peers; your peers are those that you work with, go to school with, privilege with access to your blog so you trust your peers enough on some level to ask for input. I think it's perfectly 'normal' so to say & you'd be very surprised to see how many people actually do have very similar feelings.
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