I tend to be a pretty nervous person. Because I have self paranoia and probably care what people think about me a little more than I should I get really nervous when things aren't going the way I hoped they would. Last night I almost had a nervous breakdown because things weren't panning out they way the were. I'm OK, but I felt horrible for most of the day and I couldn't get myself to sleep.
Why do I care so much? Everyone cares what others think of them but I believe that sometimes I care way too much about what others think about me. I know I can't be the only one that feels this way because all humans have that innate desire to be liked, to be extraordinary, to be popular. It might sound completely cruel, but I've found the more popular you are the easier it is to have things go your way. It's like popularity is currency and we're always looking to have more.
In high school I was one the popular kids. In middle school I wasn't popular at all and the summer before high school I basically stopped caring. I decided that it was a waste of time to care so much what people thought of me. If I wanted to dance and sing I would do so. If I wanted to be inappropriate I would do so. Basically, I decided I would do whatever the fuck I wanted, and if someone had a problem with them they could fuck off. Strangely enough, this lack of caring and confidence of doing whatever I wanted made me popular.
My popularity was sort of an unexpected occurrence. I started noticing that people would say "Hello" to me in the halls when I didn't know who that person was. People started to pay attention to what I would do and when people mentioned DC everyone knew it was me that they were talking about. Basically I became a "trend" and began to get "followed" without really meaning to. Like the paparazzi studies celebrities I was studied by my fellow peers and I have to admit, it felt good.
However, becoming popular doesn't comes with it repercussions because I started caring again. If someone said anything negative about me I wanted to know what they said, why the said it, who had they told and what I could do to change their minds. However, as I realize what I've just said, I have to admit that it sounds very pathetic. One shouldn't have to care so much. One shouldn't have to live by what other say about them because at the end of the day the opinions that matter the most are the opinions that person makes about themselves.
And so in the spirit of this new found realization I make these declarations onto you now.
If you have a problem with me have the cahones to tell it to my face. Basically, if you have a problem with me don't be a little bitch about it and whine about it to other people. How does that change things? How does that fix the issue you have with me? It doesn't and really all you're doing is being petty. Also, in most circumstances the people who say these things haven't sat down and gotten to really know me which brings me to declaration #2.
First impressions are bullshit. First impressions are important but often times first impressions offer little truths. If you meet me and I say something that makes you uncomfortable don't think for a second that you know me because you really don't. Saying you know someone after meeting them once is like saying you don't lie on job applications: not true. If I've made a negative first impression on you think of all the people you've made negative first impressions on. Chances are these first impressions don't reflect the person you are at all so don't think your first impression of me reflects who I am.
Fuck with me and I will fuck you right back. If you say something negative about me to someone else I will learn about it. I don't like people who bullshit with me so if you do you can expect me to confront you about it. I've said many times that I'm a big believer of telling people what I think of them when I first meet them. This doesn't change. I will call you out on your BS and I will be a bitch to you when I do.
Now, don't get me wrong. My real friends know that I'm pretty cool person when you get to know me. I like to tell my friends that I appreciate them often, I genuinely care about other people and will only get nasty if I need to. Basically, after you get to know me you come to realize that I make a pretty badass friend, but that also means I can be a very fierce enemy.
SEXDUCTXY!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
What I Think: The Cruel Side of Responsiblity.
I've never been drunk. In my 24 years of living in the Earth (nearly 25) I have never once been drunk or even tipsy. I'm sure I've been buzzed - but as far as getting smashed, wasted, or anything remotely like that, I've never been there. Another thing that I have avoided is getting high. I have a lot of friends that do get high, and getting my hands on some weed would be relatively easy for me, but I've never had the desire to get high.
Some people would regard a person like me as being boring. They think that since I don't get drunk or high I can't loosen up like everyone else does, though I know that's a bunch of BS. If you've kept up with my blog you'd know that I'm always the first one to do "drunk things sober", and I continue to fool masses into believing I'm on something when I have nothing fueling my shenanigans.
I, on the other hand, regard my always being the sober and coherent as an admirable trait. However, recently I've found it to be a double edged sword. If you're one who people are always sure is sober and coherent, they think they can get as wild as they can. Since you're OK nothing can go wrong. Basically, you instantly take on a lot more responsibility, and if something does go wrong, you're the one at fault. Since you could have prevented someone from doing something stupid or illegal, it's your fault if you just let it happen.
And I might sound horrible for saying this, but I'm sick and tired of being the responsible one. This doesn't mean that I'll start drinking or getting high, but lately, I feel like I've been getting used, especially when I go downtown with my friends. I'm always the designated driver. But I have to wonder, if I didn't agree to drive anymore, would I go downtown at all? I have a good time when I go downtown but the end of the my night is always filled with drama and irritation. I don't like dealing with drunk people for a number of reasons, but I'm also the one who always tolerates it because if I argue about it my friends will just get angry with me. I love my friends and always forgive them but seriously, when is enough, enough?
One of my friends threatened to hurt me tonight. I was for a stupid reason and he was just drunk. I should feel angry, but I feel compelled to just forgive him. I mean, he was just drunk and he'll be OK in the morning. However, I can't help questioning what would have happened if I didn't agree to drive tonight? Earlier, when I came to join my friends Hilton and his boyfriend, Fourth, were both drinking Four Loko. If you don't know what they are, Four Loko are energy drinks that contain alcohol. They were deemed unsafe for some time and it was illegal to sale it, though apparently the ban has been lifted.
Hilton and Fourth both drank an entire can each, and shared the second one. Later that night they were obviously smashed and in no position to do anything. However, the strange thing is, Hilton and Fourth knew that Four Loko would get them that drunk. I wonder what would have happened if I suddenly got sick and told them I wasn't going to go downtown. I'm sure they would persuade me to still go, but would they get angry if I still refused? I feel the only reason Hilton and Fourth decided to get wasted before we went downtown was because they had a confirmed ride home.
Saying that I'm being used sounds a little harsh, because the truth of the matter is friends use each other all the time. How you use a friend might not be as clear as how you use other people but friends are always using each other. I use the friends I go downtown with for their cars. Since I don't have one at the time their car is the only way I can go downtown and still be sure I'll get back to where I'm staying at a reasonable time. They way they use me in return is by making me always be the designated driver.
Perhaps it's a fair trade. I'll admit, when I go downtown I usually don't find myself around the company of the friends I went downtown with. I prefer to go to Oilcan Harry's (OCH) while my friends go to RAIN or Kiss & Fly (K&F), simply because I feel more comfortable at OCH. My friends don't go to OCH much, I suspect for the same reason I don't go to RAIN or K&F as much. But still, I have to wonder, if I did hang out with them all night, would they respect my wishes if I told them I didn't want to drive?
Is anyone out there in the same boat as me? Do any of you not like to drink and always seem to find yourself as the designated driver, whether you wanted to be it or not? I don't believe I'm the only one. I just want to know, if you made it clear you didn't want to drive that night would you find yourself going downtown at all?
SEXDUCTXY!
Some people would regard a person like me as being boring. They think that since I don't get drunk or high I can't loosen up like everyone else does, though I know that's a bunch of BS. If you've kept up with my blog you'd know that I'm always the first one to do "drunk things sober", and I continue to fool masses into believing I'm on something when I have nothing fueling my shenanigans.
I, on the other hand, regard my always being the sober and coherent as an admirable trait. However, recently I've found it to be a double edged sword. If you're one who people are always sure is sober and coherent, they think they can get as wild as they can. Since you're OK nothing can go wrong. Basically, you instantly take on a lot more responsibility, and if something does go wrong, you're the one at fault. Since you could have prevented someone from doing something stupid or illegal, it's your fault if you just let it happen.
And I might sound horrible for saying this, but I'm sick and tired of being the responsible one. This doesn't mean that I'll start drinking or getting high, but lately, I feel like I've been getting used, especially when I go downtown with my friends. I'm always the designated driver. But I have to wonder, if I didn't agree to drive anymore, would I go downtown at all? I have a good time when I go downtown but the end of the my night is always filled with drama and irritation. I don't like dealing with drunk people for a number of reasons, but I'm also the one who always tolerates it because if I argue about it my friends will just get angry with me. I love my friends and always forgive them but seriously, when is enough, enough?
One of my friends threatened to hurt me tonight. I was for a stupid reason and he was just drunk. I should feel angry, but I feel compelled to just forgive him. I mean, he was just drunk and he'll be OK in the morning. However, I can't help questioning what would have happened if I didn't agree to drive tonight? Earlier, when I came to join my friends Hilton and his boyfriend, Fourth, were both drinking Four Loko. If you don't know what they are, Four Loko are energy drinks that contain alcohol. They were deemed unsafe for some time and it was illegal to sale it, though apparently the ban has been lifted.
Hilton and Fourth both drank an entire can each, and shared the second one. Later that night they were obviously smashed and in no position to do anything. However, the strange thing is, Hilton and Fourth knew that Four Loko would get them that drunk. I wonder what would have happened if I suddenly got sick and told them I wasn't going to go downtown. I'm sure they would persuade me to still go, but would they get angry if I still refused? I feel the only reason Hilton and Fourth decided to get wasted before we went downtown was because they had a confirmed ride home.
Saying that I'm being used sounds a little harsh, because the truth of the matter is friends use each other all the time. How you use a friend might not be as clear as how you use other people but friends are always using each other. I use the friends I go downtown with for their cars. Since I don't have one at the time their car is the only way I can go downtown and still be sure I'll get back to where I'm staying at a reasonable time. They way they use me in return is by making me always be the designated driver.
Perhaps it's a fair trade. I'll admit, when I go downtown I usually don't find myself around the company of the friends I went downtown with. I prefer to go to Oilcan Harry's (OCH) while my friends go to RAIN or Kiss & Fly (K&F), simply because I feel more comfortable at OCH. My friends don't go to OCH much, I suspect for the same reason I don't go to RAIN or K&F as much. But still, I have to wonder, if I did hang out with them all night, would they respect my wishes if I told them I didn't want to drive?
Is anyone out there in the same boat as me? Do any of you not like to drink and always seem to find yourself as the designated driver, whether you wanted to be it or not? I don't believe I'm the only one. I just want to know, if you made it clear you didn't want to drive that night would you find yourself going downtown at all?
SEXDUCTXY!
Monday, January 10, 2011
I want a boyfriend...
Even though I didn't get a lot of comments in the blog I did get a lot of responses about my last post. One of my friends on Facebook suggested I write down a list of what I want in a boyfriend. I've been told to do it before and I decided I might as well. Many people believe that if you write down what you want, you'll send out a message to the universe and the universe will give you what you want. It's like having a vision board - another thing I need to do one of these days.
I decided to share the list with you, and give reasons to why I want this in a boyfriend.
1) I want a boyfriend who is attractive. It sounds shallow, I know, but attraction I feel is sometimes a tricky subject to judge. Even though it's incredibly cliche, the phrase "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" holds a lot of truth when you talk about attraction. People who I've found physically unattractive have become completely desirable after I get to know them, and people who I've found physically attractive have become completely undesirable after I learn how much of a douche bag that they are. Also, attractive people themselves sometimes find themselves unattractive because we, as humans, have a tendency to amplify the most unattractive features about ourselves and in turn begin to judge how truly beautiful we are. I guess a better way to phrase #1 is I want a boyfriend who I find attractive - inside and out.
2) I want a boyfriend who finds boldness refreshing. My boldness is sometimes one of my most damaging qualities. I tend to talk about things that no one else would really talk about casually, mostly because I find the subject interesting and it will start a conversation. There are normal subjects like music, movies, and food, but I find these subjects won't start long conversations, unless you go really in depth. However, if you talk about something like someone's first time or their sexual fantasies, you don't only learn more about the person in general but also learn something more interesting than whether they enjoy crawfish or not.
3) I want a boyfriend who is affectionate. One of the first things people learn about me if that I'm very lovey-dovey and touchy feely. I enjoy giving out hugs for no real reason and I enjoy kissing very much. A lot of people get uncomfortable with giving and receiving affection, even if its in private. I want a boyfriend who wouldn't mind it.
4) I want a boyfriend who's not overly possessive. I might like being affectionate with my boyfriend but like I mentioned in my last post I need some time to myself. If my boyfriend is too possessive of me it opens a can of worms that just can't be solved, for there are certain things about me that a possessive boyfriend just can't accept. I'm way too boy-crazy for my own good, I hug EVERYONE, and I don't want to hang out everyday. Possessive boyfriends do care a lot (sometimes way too much) about these things because they are constantly questioning their boyfriend's faithfulness and that just won't fly with me.
5) I want a boyfriend who is happy. I want a boyfriend who is generally happy. It doesn't mean they can't have bad days or be in a foul mood once-in-a-while but I tend to be hopeful and look at the glass half full, even in points in my life when I had every right not to. I learned how to cheer myself up and I want someone who is independent enough to do that. If you look Emo that's fine as Emo boys are hot, but I'm not looking for someone who needs someone to constantly cheer them up. If you can cheer me up too than I'll return the favor, but if you can't pick yourself up every once-in-a-while then we just won't work.
6) I want a boyfriend who is empathic. Even though I'm not Emo I am generally someone who operates on his feelings. I tend to have very strong emotions and beliefs and I want someone who is sensitive to that. My boyfriend doesn't have to agree to them, but I do want him to understand where I'm coming from. It's never been bad (I've never been described as bipolar), but I do have a thought process that 0perates differently from others.
7) I want a boyfriend who is boy-crazy, yet monogamous. This one is mostly for similarity purposes. I tend to admire many men, be very boy-crazy, and be very flirtatious. For some reason I developed a very flirtatious nature (I flirt without even trying) and often times I will tell someone they're hot if I think they are. I'm not looking for anything in particular when I compliment someone - I just like to encourage people. As a Pisces though, I tend to be very monogamous despite my boy-crazy, flirtatious nature so I wouldn't cheat on someone. I want someone who does the same. We can even do it together and double-team the hot guys!
8) I want a boyfriend with a good sense of humor. My friends and I have a lot of inside jokes and stories about each other, and we have the tendency of telling them to other people all the time. If you can laugh along with us we'll love you even if we don't work out.
9) I want a boyfriend with a big cock. Now this one is shallow. I'm a bottom and sex is generally more pleasurable if you have a nice, big cock. You might be thinking, "But DC, it's the motion of the ocean that counts, not the size of the boat." That might be true, but I've found that the bigger the vessel, the better the ocean feels.
This list can grow and change overtime, but for now these are the things I want in a boyfriend. If there is anything you think I should add or reconsider leave me a comment!
SEXDUCTXY!
PS In the near future I'll most likely be making and posting videos of me up in the blog. If you would like to hear my opinion about something or hear me speak about a topic leave me a comment and I'll consider using your idea for one of my videos!
I decided to share the list with you, and give reasons to why I want this in a boyfriend.
1) I want a boyfriend who is attractive. It sounds shallow, I know, but attraction I feel is sometimes a tricky subject to judge. Even though it's incredibly cliche, the phrase "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" holds a lot of truth when you talk about attraction. People who I've found physically unattractive have become completely desirable after I get to know them, and people who I've found physically attractive have become completely undesirable after I learn how much of a douche bag that they are. Also, attractive people themselves sometimes find themselves unattractive because we, as humans, have a tendency to amplify the most unattractive features about ourselves and in turn begin to judge how truly beautiful we are. I guess a better way to phrase #1 is I want a boyfriend who I find attractive - inside and out.
2) I want a boyfriend who finds boldness refreshing. My boldness is sometimes one of my most damaging qualities. I tend to talk about things that no one else would really talk about casually, mostly because I find the subject interesting and it will start a conversation. There are normal subjects like music, movies, and food, but I find these subjects won't start long conversations, unless you go really in depth. However, if you talk about something like someone's first time or their sexual fantasies, you don't only learn more about the person in general but also learn something more interesting than whether they enjoy crawfish or not.
3) I want a boyfriend who is affectionate. One of the first things people learn about me if that I'm very lovey-dovey and touchy feely. I enjoy giving out hugs for no real reason and I enjoy kissing very much. A lot of people get uncomfortable with giving and receiving affection, even if its in private. I want a boyfriend who wouldn't mind it.
4) I want a boyfriend who's not overly possessive. I might like being affectionate with my boyfriend but like I mentioned in my last post I need some time to myself. If my boyfriend is too possessive of me it opens a can of worms that just can't be solved, for there are certain things about me that a possessive boyfriend just can't accept. I'm way too boy-crazy for my own good, I hug EVERYONE, and I don't want to hang out everyday. Possessive boyfriends do care a lot (sometimes way too much) about these things because they are constantly questioning their boyfriend's faithfulness and that just won't fly with me.
5) I want a boyfriend who is happy. I want a boyfriend who is generally happy. It doesn't mean they can't have bad days or be in a foul mood once-in-a-while but I tend to be hopeful and look at the glass half full, even in points in my life when I had every right not to. I learned how to cheer myself up and I want someone who is independent enough to do that. If you look Emo that's fine as Emo boys are hot, but I'm not looking for someone who needs someone to constantly cheer them up. If you can cheer me up too than I'll return the favor, but if you can't pick yourself up every once-in-a-while then we just won't work.
6) I want a boyfriend who is empathic. Even though I'm not Emo I am generally someone who operates on his feelings. I tend to have very strong emotions and beliefs and I want someone who is sensitive to that. My boyfriend doesn't have to agree to them, but I do want him to understand where I'm coming from. It's never been bad (I've never been described as bipolar), but I do have a thought process that 0perates differently from others.
7) I want a boyfriend who is boy-crazy, yet monogamous. This one is mostly for similarity purposes. I tend to admire many men, be very boy-crazy, and be very flirtatious. For some reason I developed a very flirtatious nature (I flirt without even trying) and often times I will tell someone they're hot if I think they are. I'm not looking for anything in particular when I compliment someone - I just like to encourage people. As a Pisces though, I tend to be very monogamous despite my boy-crazy, flirtatious nature so I wouldn't cheat on someone. I want someone who does the same. We can even do it together and double-team the hot guys!
8) I want a boyfriend with a good sense of humor. My friends and I have a lot of inside jokes and stories about each other, and we have the tendency of telling them to other people all the time. If you can laugh along with us we'll love you even if we don't work out.
9) I want a boyfriend with a big cock. Now this one is shallow. I'm a bottom and sex is generally more pleasurable if you have a nice, big cock. You might be thinking, "But DC, it's the motion of the ocean that counts, not the size of the boat." That might be true, but I've found that the bigger the vessel, the better the ocean feels.
This list can grow and change overtime, but for now these are the things I want in a boyfriend. If there is anything you think I should add or reconsider leave me a comment!
SEXDUCTXY!
PS In the near future I'll most likely be making and posting videos of me up in the blog. If you would like to hear my opinion about something or hear me speak about a topic leave me a comment and I'll consider using your idea for one of my videos!
Friday, January 7, 2011
What I Think: Relationships and Singledom
For the past 6 years I've been single. Sure, I've gone on dates, I've had sex with people, but ever since my junior year in high school I haven't been in a relationship where I could refer to the other person as my boyfriend. There have been countless "the person I'm seeing", "the person I'm dating", and even "the person I'm fucking" but there has never been an actual boyfriend. While most people say that a person can only be single by choice, it unfortunately has never been a choice for me.
My friends tell me that I'm single because I'm picky, and perhaps I am, but there have been many people who I'm interested in but in no way shape or form are interested in me. The people in the previous posts usually weren't in the picture for long and most of them didn't involve that much physical contact, aside from the ones who I fucked. But even then, the ones who I slept with only slept with me for the sake of sleeping with someone, not because they actually felt any intimacy for me.
I've tried all the traditional methods. I've tried meeting people in parties, bars, and other social venues but there was never much success there. I've tried dating and hook up websites but I think I must be somewhat unattractive online because I hardly ever get messaged or even replied to. I gone speed dating, but even though I did get dates out of that, it never escalated to the point where I that person became a boyfriend.
I have to admit though, being single when so many of my friends aren't has taken a toll on me. In fact, for the last 9 months I haven't dated or had sex with anyone, which is actually really depressing. Also, it's gotten so bad that I crave even the bad things in relationships. Tonight, Hilton and his boyfriend had a very big dramatic blowout, and while we were consoling Hilton's boyfriend I actually became jealous. You know it's bad when you begin to desire the rough patches of a relationship.
I do think that I am probably a very hard person to date, because there are several factors when I date that I'd like my boyfriend to follow which probably aren't very common.
1) I don't want to see you everyday. While most people would love to see their significant other daily I prefer to see mine only three or four days out of the week. It's not that I don't enjoy their company. If I didn't I would be dating them, but if I see my boyfriend daily I soon get bored of them and every little thing they do irritates me. Actually, for all of my high school career my boyfriend ALWAYS attended another school. My boyfriend can contact me everyday, but as far as seeing me "not that often" works best at first.
2) I need "me" time. This one couple a lot with the first reason but I've never been a fan of how when people date they turn from a me to a we. "Sure, I'll go" turns into "Sure, we'll go" and things that your friend would have jumped to do suddenly has to be checked with the other person. I feel that when someone turns from an I to an Us, it's a sign of losing of one's self and independence. Even though I do think that similar interests make an relationship amazing my boyfriend and I don't have to have all the same interests. We don't have to have the same network of friends, and since I wouldn't be an asset of every part of my boyfriend's life I don't expect him to be an asset of mine. Basically, what I'm saying is that I want to do something by myself or with some of my friends not involving my boyfriend, I don't want him to be offended.
3) Finally, if it ever escalates into the process of us living together I insist on having my own room. This is one many people have a trouble understanding. If you live together it's so people can sleep in the same room, can share the same living space and just be together. If I live with someone I probably would share a room with them, sleep in the same bed with them, and have an equal share of many of our possessions but I still need a place in my apartment that is just me. I need a place where I can just be by myself and unwind. It doesn't really have to be a room, but I need a place where I can keep my own stuff and a place where everything is not equal share.
All these factors make me a very hard person to be with, I understand, but the sad thing is that for the last 6 years I've never really been able to explain these things to someone I care to be intimate with. I mean, who knows, maybe if I do get that now "rare-as-a-unicorn" boyfriend I would prefer to see him daily, do everything with him, and if we do someday live together not invest in a space for myself, but so far we haven't found each other... Though I desperately want to.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to spend a 7th Valentine's Day without someone to share it with. I don't want to turn 25 without a guy who isn't a family member or a friend calling to say, "Happy Birthday and I love you." I want the romance, I want the intimacy, and I want to be with someone. It might be pathetic or completely normal, but it hard to think something is normal when I start to recognize that this post sounds like a pity post and not a WIT post.
So, for now, I will take solace and hope in the fact that this point of unwanted celibacy won't last forever. One day I will find someone who doesn't mind my quirks, doesn't mind the twisted way I think, and will love kissing as much as I do. Until then, I will try to make the most of being single and free and take time to just breathe...
SEXDUCTXY!
My friends tell me that I'm single because I'm picky, and perhaps I am, but there have been many people who I'm interested in but in no way shape or form are interested in me. The people in the previous posts usually weren't in the picture for long and most of them didn't involve that much physical contact, aside from the ones who I fucked. But even then, the ones who I slept with only slept with me for the sake of sleeping with someone, not because they actually felt any intimacy for me.
I've tried all the traditional methods. I've tried meeting people in parties, bars, and other social venues but there was never much success there. I've tried dating and hook up websites but I think I must be somewhat unattractive online because I hardly ever get messaged or even replied to. I gone speed dating, but even though I did get dates out of that, it never escalated to the point where I that person became a boyfriend.
I have to admit though, being single when so many of my friends aren't has taken a toll on me. In fact, for the last 9 months I haven't dated or had sex with anyone, which is actually really depressing. Also, it's gotten so bad that I crave even the bad things in relationships. Tonight, Hilton and his boyfriend had a very big dramatic blowout, and while we were consoling Hilton's boyfriend I actually became jealous. You know it's bad when you begin to desire the rough patches of a relationship.
I do think that I am probably a very hard person to date, because there are several factors when I date that I'd like my boyfriend to follow which probably aren't very common.
1) I don't want to see you everyday. While most people would love to see their significant other daily I prefer to see mine only three or four days out of the week. It's not that I don't enjoy their company. If I didn't I would be dating them, but if I see my boyfriend daily I soon get bored of them and every little thing they do irritates me. Actually, for all of my high school career my boyfriend ALWAYS attended another school. My boyfriend can contact me everyday, but as far as seeing me "not that often" works best at first.
2) I need "me" time. This one couple a lot with the first reason but I've never been a fan of how when people date they turn from a me to a we. "Sure, I'll go" turns into "Sure, we'll go" and things that your friend would have jumped to do suddenly has to be checked with the other person. I feel that when someone turns from an I to an Us, it's a sign of losing of one's self and independence. Even though I do think that similar interests make an relationship amazing my boyfriend and I don't have to have all the same interests. We don't have to have the same network of friends, and since I wouldn't be an asset of every part of my boyfriend's life I don't expect him to be an asset of mine. Basically, what I'm saying is that I want to do something by myself or with some of my friends not involving my boyfriend, I don't want him to be offended.
3) Finally, if it ever escalates into the process of us living together I insist on having my own room. This is one many people have a trouble understanding. If you live together it's so people can sleep in the same room, can share the same living space and just be together. If I live with someone I probably would share a room with them, sleep in the same bed with them, and have an equal share of many of our possessions but I still need a place in my apartment that is just me. I need a place where I can just be by myself and unwind. It doesn't really have to be a room, but I need a place where I can keep my own stuff and a place where everything is not equal share.
All these factors make me a very hard person to be with, I understand, but the sad thing is that for the last 6 years I've never really been able to explain these things to someone I care to be intimate with. I mean, who knows, maybe if I do get that now "rare-as-a-unicorn" boyfriend I would prefer to see him daily, do everything with him, and if we do someday live together not invest in a space for myself, but so far we haven't found each other... Though I desperately want to.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to spend a 7th Valentine's Day without someone to share it with. I don't want to turn 25 without a guy who isn't a family member or a friend calling to say, "Happy Birthday and I love you." I want the romance, I want the intimacy, and I want to be with someone. It might be pathetic or completely normal, but it hard to think something is normal when I start to recognize that this post sounds like a pity post and not a WIT post.
So, for now, I will take solace and hope in the fact that this point of unwanted celibacy won't last forever. One day I will find someone who doesn't mind my quirks, doesn't mind the twisted way I think, and will love kissing as much as I do. Until then, I will try to make the most of being single and free and take time to just breathe...
SEXDUCTXY!
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