For the past 6 years I've been single. Sure, I've gone on dates, I've had sex with people, but ever since my junior year in high school I haven't been in a relationship where I could refer to the other person as my boyfriend. There have been countless "the person I'm seeing", "the person I'm dating", and even "the person I'm fucking" but there has never been an actual boyfriend. While most people say that a person can only be single by choice, it unfortunately has never been a choice for me.
My friends tell me that I'm single because I'm picky, and perhaps I am, but there have been many people who I'm interested in but in no way shape or form are interested in me. The people in the previous posts usually weren't in the picture for long and most of them didn't involve that much physical contact, aside from the ones who I fucked. But even then, the ones who I slept with only slept with me for the sake of sleeping with someone, not because they actually felt any intimacy for me.
I've tried all the traditional methods. I've tried meeting people in parties, bars, and other social venues but there was never much success there. I've tried dating and hook up websites but I think I must be somewhat unattractive online because I hardly ever get messaged or even replied to. I gone speed dating, but even though I did get dates out of that, it never escalated to the point where I that person became a boyfriend.
I have to admit though, being single when so many of my friends aren't has taken a toll on me. In fact, for the last 9 months I haven't dated or had sex with anyone, which is actually really depressing. Also, it's gotten so bad that I crave even the bad things in relationships. Tonight, Hilton and his boyfriend had a very big dramatic blowout, and while we were consoling Hilton's boyfriend I actually became jealous. You know it's bad when you begin to desire the rough patches of a relationship.
I do think that I am probably a very hard person to date, because there are several factors when I date that I'd like my boyfriend to follow which probably aren't very common.
1) I don't want to see you everyday. While most people would love to see their significant other daily I prefer to see mine only three or four days out of the week. It's not that I don't enjoy their company. If I didn't I would be dating them, but if I see my boyfriend daily I soon get bored of them and every little thing they do irritates me. Actually, for all of my high school career my boyfriend ALWAYS attended another school. My boyfriend can contact me everyday, but as far as seeing me "not that often" works best at first.
2) I need "me" time. This one couple a lot with the first reason but I've never been a fan of how when people date they turn from a me to a we. "Sure, I'll go" turns into "Sure, we'll go" and things that your friend would have jumped to do suddenly has to be checked with the other person. I feel that when someone turns from an I to an Us, it's a sign of losing of one's self and independence. Even though I do think that similar interests make an relationship amazing my boyfriend and I don't have to have all the same interests. We don't have to have the same network of friends, and since I wouldn't be an asset of every part of my boyfriend's life I don't expect him to be an asset of mine. Basically, what I'm saying is that I want to do something by myself or with some of my friends not involving my boyfriend, I don't want him to be offended.
3) Finally, if it ever escalates into the process of us living together I insist on having my own room. This is one many people have a trouble understanding. If you live together it's so people can sleep in the same room, can share the same living space and just be together. If I live with someone I probably would share a room with them, sleep in the same bed with them, and have an equal share of many of our possessions but I still need a place in my apartment that is just me. I need a place where I can just be by myself and unwind. It doesn't really have to be a room, but I need a place where I can keep my own stuff and a place where everything is not equal share.
All these factors make me a very hard person to be with, I understand, but the sad thing is that for the last 6 years I've never really been able to explain these things to someone I care to be intimate with. I mean, who knows, maybe if I do get that now "rare-as-a-unicorn" boyfriend I would prefer to see him daily, do everything with him, and if we do someday live together not invest in a space for myself, but so far we haven't found each other... Though I desperately want to.
The point I'm trying to make is that I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to spend a 7th Valentine's Day without someone to share it with. I don't want to turn 25 without a guy who isn't a family member or a friend calling to say, "Happy Birthday and I love you." I want the romance, I want the intimacy, and I want to be with someone. It might be pathetic or completely normal, but it hard to think something is normal when I start to recognize that this post sounds like a pity post and not a WIT post.
So, for now, I will take solace and hope in the fact that this point of unwanted celibacy won't last forever. One day I will find someone who doesn't mind my quirks, doesn't mind the twisted way I think, and will love kissing as much as I do. Until then, I will try to make the most of being single and free and take time to just breathe...
SEXDUCTXY!
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